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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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God Almost Forgot To Kill Dave Elfman Of Boulder, CO Today

BOULDER, CO—After a long day of hearing the prayers of His followers and controlling the seas and skies, God confirmed today He almost forgot to kill 43-year-old Boulder loan officer Dave Elfman, nearly derailing His plan for the universe. "It was on my to-do list, but I kept putting it off and putting it off," the Supreme Being said. "I got so tied up with the floods in Brazil that I nearly blanked on giving Dave a massive cerebral hemorrhage. Hold on a sec . . . there. Fixed." With that, order was restored and Dave Elfman instantly dropped dead in the middle of a knot-tying demonstration in front of his 10-year-old son's Boy Scout troop.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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