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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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God Announces Plans To Shift Majority Of Resources Tied Up In Humanity Project To Birds, Rocks

THE HEAVENS—Telling reporters it would be a more worthwhile enterprise in the long run, God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, announced plans Monday to shift the majority of the resources tied up in His humanity project to birds and rocks. “I feel like I’ve kind of hit a wall with humanity and this is probably as far as it can go, but I have some exciting new ideas for rocks and birds that I’m really looking forward to exploring,” said The Creator of All Things, adding that He felt human beings had “pretty much run their course” at this point before explaining His intention to give promising rocks such as sandstone and gneiss the consideration they deserve and finally furnish birds with the longer beaks He previously did not have the opportunity to bring into being. “At this point, it makes more sense to devote my time and energy to developing a fourth classification of rock beyond igneous, metamorphic, and sedimentary, or maybe a bird with big tentacles, because humanity really isn’t worth any further investment. It would simply be wasteful to dedicate additional effort to humans when rocks and birds have so much more promise.” God went on to say that His job was already immensely more satisfying now that He was working on what He was actually passionate about.

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