God Cites 'Moving In Mysterious Ways' As Motive In Killing Of 3,000 Papua New Guineans

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Vol 33 Issue 26

Area Client Would Like A Different Font

PASSAIC, NJ—Gavin Werdlick, owner of a chain of Passaic-area sub shops, would prefer a different font, sources at Byrd Advertising learned Thursday. "Maybe one of those fonts where it's all swirly," Werdlick told his advertising representative. "Then it would be all fancy-looking." Fonts previously rejected by Werdlick for his ad include Bureau Grotesque, Futura Condensed Light, and Bodoni BE Extra-Bold.

Pursued Drunk Driver Crafts Brilliant 'Don't Stop' Plan

TUPELO, MS—Law-enforcement officials and tactical analysts alike are applauding the creativity of drunk driver Leon Frisch, who responded to pursuing police Saturday with a brilliant "don't stop" plan. "I was drunk, and I knew I would be in trouble if I got caught in such a state," Frisch said, "so I settled on a plan of not stopping." Sgt. Robert Love, one of the pursuing officers, described himself as "utterly bamboozled" by Frisch's unorthodox stratagem. "I had no idea how to respond to this inspired ruse," Love said. "I stand in awe of his ingenuity."

Morbidly Obese Man Recommends You Read The Hobbit

PHOENIX—Roy Cordell, a 475-pound science-fiction enthusiast, strongly recommends you read J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit, it was learned Monday. "You haven't read The Hobbit?" said Cordell, sweating profusely. "It's the tale of Bilbo Baggins, who is torn from his cozy hobbit hole by a band of rowdy dwarves and taken on a fantastic quest for the dwarves' ancestral treasure, which was stolen by the evil dragon Smaug." Pausing to shove a slice of Pizza Hut Sausage Lover's Pizza into his bearded, gaping maw, Cordell noted that Tolkien was a remarkable man. "He was a professor of languages and knew all about mythology," he said. "His Middle Earth novels truly are a landmark of literature." The humongous Cordell concluded by urging you not to get him started about the computer game Warcraft II: Tides Of Darkness.

Porn-Store Change Machine Gummed Up Again

ST. LOUIS—Despite three thorough cleanings this month, the change machine at Naughty But Nice Adult Magazines & Video Gallery has once again become clogged and inoperable. "I don't know what's wrong with the damn thing," said store owner James Vanderbek. "We paid too much for it to have to be cleaning it every week, I can tell you that." Said Ken Woodruff, the store's assistant manager: "It always seems to happen on Wednesday nights: Right around the time this one funny-looking tall guy leaves, someone always seems to complain about not being able to get change."

KFC Paleontologists Reconstruct 24-Piece Party Bucket From Single Chicken Leg

LEXINGTON, KY—In a major paleontological breakthrough, scientists at the Sanders Institute have successfully reconstructed a 24-piece KFC party bucket believed to date from as far back as last Thursday. "Using the bones of the leg retrieved from the Jonesboro dig, we have rebuilt this bucket, which appears to have once contained nine thighs and seven breasts," team leader Dr. Bryce Wallace said. "We also gathered data which may provide clues as to what cole-slaw sides and sporks looked like in those days."

Horoscope for the week of July 29, 1998

This week will find you getting back to basics when brain damage sustained in a horrendous circus accident forces you to learn to walk, talk and feed yourself all over again.

Media Credibility In Question

Last month, CNN retracted a story falsely accusing the U.S. military of using nerve gas on Vietnam defectors. Three weeks ago, The Cincinnati Enquirer printed a front-page apology to Chiquita for an exposé based on information gathered in an "unlawful and unethical" manner. The New Republic recently fired a staffer for quoting fictionalized sources in dozens of articles. What do you think about the credibility and accountability of the media?
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

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God Cites 'Moving In Mysterious Ways' As Motive In Killing Of 3,000 Papua New Guineans

VANIMO, PAPUA NEW GUINEA—In His first official statement since the July 17 tsunami that claimed the lives of an estimated 3,000 Papua New Guineans, the Lord announced Monday that He killed the island villagers as part of His longtime "moving in mysterious ways" policy, calling the natural disaster "part of My unknowable, divine plan for mankind."

The aftermath of the recent tidal wave in Papua New Guinea.

"Though the need for such a tidal wave is incomprehensible to you mortals, flawed as you are by sin, I can assure you that I had a very good reason for what I did," God said of the disaster, whose death toll is expected to climb to 5,000 once the effects of disease, starvation and marauding crocodiles become known. "Trust me."

Yahweh, whose unknowable purposes have necessitated, among other things, the death of 40 million Europeans from the Bubonic Plague, 40,000 Peruvians in a 1868 earthquake, and six million of His chosen people in Nazi concentration camps, said he was "not unmoved" by the suffering of the Papua New Guinea flood victims.

"Of course I hear their prayers," God said. "I see every sparrow that falls. But it is My will that these prayers not be answered, and that life continues to be nasty, brutish and short for the majority of mankind. And My reasons are not yours to question."

Added God: "Where were you when I created the Heavens and the Earth?"

World religious leaders are standing behind the Lord. "We must not presume to know the mind of our Creator," Rev. Billy Graham said. "We are, as He often reminds us, His flock, and He is our shepherd. It seems clear that the people who are criticizing Him for killing the Papua New Guineans have not fully considered the theological implications of the shepherd-sheep relationship."

God is standing firmly behind His act.

"I honestly do not know why He wanted those people dead," Pope John Paul II said, "but I have full faith in the wisdom and justice of His acts."

Despite top religious leaders' reluctance to speculate on the Lord's motive in the killings, many contend it was an act of heathen-smiting.

"I would never presume to understand God's plan, but it seems like more than a coincidence that these typhoons, tsunamis and earthquakes always seem to hit non-Christian countries like India and Bangladesh," said Matthew Ellsworth, pastor for Holy Name Lutheran Church in Colorado Springs, CO. When was the last time a tidal wave devastated France?"

Though a majority of those who perished in the tsunami were non-Christians, God did kill several hundred of His followers.

"I must have faith that the Lord will help me," said Aitape Bulolo, a Protestant fisherman who spent 11 days clinging to the top of a tree while waiting for flood waters to recede and watching the hogs he raised feed upon the corpses of his family. "I know my wife and daughters are with Him now in Heaven, and that He is sparing me for some greater purpose. This horrible tragedy has only strengthened my faith. God is love."

Upon hearing Bulolo's words, God said, "I can neither confirm nor deny rumors of Aitape Bulolo's family's presence in My heavenly kingdom. Be content that it is one of the many mysteries of faith, and that I am always watching over you, albeit for my own unfathomable purposes."

"And believe Me," God added, "never in a million years would you guess what those purposes are."

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