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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confirmed Monday. “At approximately 0700 hours today, 100 units of our finest mosquitoes were dispatched to augment the 20,000,000 already positioned across the country as part of our large-scale summer offensive,” said the Creator of All Things, explaining that the deployments were concentrated in highly contested combat zones such as Atlanta, Chicago, and Washington, D.C., which had already sustained significant losses due to U.S. citronella defenses and propane insect foggers. “These mosquitoes are fresh out of the pupa stage and ready to fight. They’ll focus on occupying beaches throughout the Eastern Seaboard, Great Lakes region, and the South, holding off any counteroffensive until the heat and humidity arriving later this summer create more favorable conditions for the next stage of the invasion.” The Lord also announced plans to ramp up His use of biological warfare, as thousands of the newly stationed mosquitoes had been equipped with pathogens carrying malaria, West Nile, and the Zika virus.

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