adBlockCheck

God Feeling Down In Dumps After Death Of Grandmother

Top Headlines

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

God Feeling Down In Dumps After Death Of Grandmother

THE HEAVENS—Grief-stricken from the sudden death of His paternal grandmother last week, the Lord Our God, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, reported Tuesday He “hasn’t felt this sad in millennia.” “It’s been really tough these past few days, just because Nana was the one who took care of me and my sisters after our parents left,” said Our Heavenly Father, tearfully recalling the oatmeal raisin cookies His grandmother used to bake whenever He came home to visit from college. “I knew I could always count on her being there to pick up the phone, no matter what was bothering me. Just hearing the sound of her voice could somehow make me feel better, and now I’ll never get to hear it again.” God added that the woman was the only grandmother He ever knew, since His mom’s mom died 200 years before He was born.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close