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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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God Feeling Down In Dumps After Death Of Grandmother

THE HEAVENS—Grief-stricken from the sudden death of His paternal grandmother last week, the Lord Our God, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, reported Tuesday He “hasn’t felt this sad in millennia.” “It’s been really tough these past few days, just because Nana was the one who took care of me and my sisters after our parents left,” said Our Heavenly Father, tearfully recalling the oatmeal raisin cookies His grandmother used to bake whenever He came home to visit from college. “I knew I could always count on her being there to pick up the phone, no matter what was bothering me. Just hearing the sound of her voice could somehow make me feel better, and now I’ll never get to hear it again.” God added that the woman was the only grandmother He ever knew, since His mom’s mom died 200 years before He was born.

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