adBlockCheck

Recent News

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
End Of Section
  • More News

God Feeling Down In Dumps After Death Of Grandmother

THE HEAVENS—Grief-stricken from the sudden death of His paternal grandmother last week, the Lord Our God, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, reported Tuesday He “hasn’t felt this sad in millennia.” “It’s been really tough these past few days, just because Nana was the one who took care of me and my sisters after our parents left,” said Our Heavenly Father, tearfully recalling the oatmeal raisin cookies His grandmother used to bake whenever He came home to visit from college. “I knew I could always count on her being there to pick up the phone, no matter what was bothering me. Just hearing the sound of her voice could somehow make me feel better, and now I’ll never get to hear it again.” God added that the woman was the only grandmother He ever knew, since His mom’s mom died 200 years before He was born.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close