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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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God Freaks Self Out By Lying Awake Contemplating Own Immortality

The Lord Almighty was reportedly tossing and turning for hours.
The Lord Almighty was reportedly tossing and turning for hours.

THE HEAVENS—Sources close to God reported Thursday that the Creator of the Universe and Author of Our Eternal Salvation suffered a crippling bout of existential dread this week, lying awake all night as He pondered His own immortality.

Anxiously drumming His fingers, the all-powerful being was reportedly unable to sleep as His mind raced with thoughts of the unfathomable nature of eternity, the relentless expansion of space and time, and His own never-ending existence.

“Is this all there is? I’m here now, 70 or 80 years go by, and then I’m still here—forever?” said God, staring up at the ceiling after a half hour of tossing and turning. “That’s horrible! And what’s worse, at some point everyone I know will have died, which means no one anywhere in the universe will even remember I ever existed.”

“Fuck, that’s a terrifying thought,” God added.

According to reports, God then got up, put on His robes, and paced through the heavens, feeling a sense of dread in the pit of His stomach as He contemplated His overwhelming significance in the grand scheme of things.

Reasoning that He would be able to calm down if He just had something to take His all-knowing mind off everything, God reportedly read 1,000 books and created several million new nebulae, but sources said the Supreme Being’s thoughts inevitably returned to the inescapable fact that He is ultimately trapped for all eternity in the infinite expanse of the cosmos.

“This is worse than a prison sentence,” the Lord said. “At least prisoners can escape, die, or be released. But I’ve been stuck here doing the same thing for 14 billion years, and in another 14 billion, I’ll still be here. I create things, I destroy them. I’m omnipotent—how insane is that? I am He Who Commanded Light to Shine Out of Darkness, but eventually everything I create disappears. And I have to sit around and watch it all die.”

“Fuck, it’s already three in the morning,” continued God, forcing Himself to take several deep breaths. “I have so much to do tomorrow, and now I’m going to be exhausted.”

A few heavenly sources speculated the catalyst for the Divine Creator’s most recent bout of existential anguish may have come earlier this month, when one of His routine tsunamis claimed the lives of 6,000 people in the Indonesian port city of Kupang, causing Him to question the meaning of existence in general. But most celestial reports indicate God is simply worn down from the sheer routine of His absolute dominion over all that has been, is now, and shall ever be.

After returning to bed, the Almighty reportedly spent several minutes trying to get comfortable, first piling on blankets because He was cold, and later kicking them off because He grew too hot.

“Okay, calm down—I just need to get some shut-eye, that’s all,” said God, grabbing fistfuls of His long white hair as He tried to make Himself sleepy by counting clouds passing by overhead. “That’s one, two, three, four, five—five trillion years from now I’m still going to be here, for fuck’s sake. Mine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory in this vast emptiness, this limitless black nothingness that goes on and on forever and ever and ever and there is no end and it will just be me, eternally alone, for all of time.”

“What is the point—I mean, seriously, what’s the point?” God added.

At press time, sources confirmed the Lord had fallen asleep after resolving that first thing in the morning He would create an immortal dog or cat to keep Him company for the rest of eternity.

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