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Sports

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
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God: ‘Fuck Russell Wilson’

THE HEAVENS—Following the game-ending interception against the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLIX, God Almighty, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, confirmed Monday that He “can’t fucking stand Russell Wilson” and that the Seattle Seahawks star quarterback “can go fuck himself.” “I hate Russell Wilson, so fuck him, and fuck the Seahawks,” said the Heavenly Father, adding that Jermaine Kearse’s incredible catch on Seattle’s final drive was indeed a case of divine intervention, but only so Wilson could then throw an interception that cost his team the Super Bowl. “I mean, the look on his face right after I made him throw that pick on the goal line was just priceless. He’s so fucking annoying, so I wanted to get his hopes up and then crush him in front of the whole world. Self-righteous little prick.” Despite subsequently allowing the Patriots to win their fourth Super Bowl title, God also clarified that Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and Robert Kraft are all “dirty fucking cheats” who will spend an eternity in Hell after they die.

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