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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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God: ‘Fuck Russell Wilson’

THE HEAVENS—Following the game-ending interception against the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLIX, God Almighty, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, confirmed Monday that He “can’t fucking stand Russell Wilson” and that the Seattle Seahawks star quarterback “can go fuck himself.” “I hate Russell Wilson, so fuck him, and fuck the Seahawks,” said the Heavenly Father, adding that Jermaine Kearse’s incredible catch on Seattle’s final drive was indeed a case of divine intervention, but only so Wilson could then throw an interception that cost his team the Super Bowl. “I mean, the look on his face right after I made him throw that pick on the goal line was just priceless. He’s so fucking annoying, so I wanted to get his hopes up and then crush him in front of the whole world. Self-righteous little prick.” Despite subsequently allowing the Patriots to win their fourth Super Bowl title, God also clarified that Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and Robert Kraft are all “dirty fucking cheats” who will spend an eternity in Hell after they die.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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