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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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God: ‘Fuck Russell Wilson’

THE HEAVENS—Following the game-ending interception against the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLIX, God Almighty, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, confirmed Monday that He “can’t fucking stand Russell Wilson” and that the Seattle Seahawks star quarterback “can go fuck himself.” “I hate Russell Wilson, so fuck him, and fuck the Seahawks,” said the Heavenly Father, adding that Jermaine Kearse’s incredible catch on Seattle’s final drive was indeed a case of divine intervention, but only so Wilson could then throw an interception that cost his team the Super Bowl. “I mean, the look on his face right after I made him throw that pick on the goal line was just priceless. He’s so fucking annoying, so I wanted to get his hopes up and then crush him in front of the whole world. Self-righteous little prick.” Despite subsequently allowing the Patriots to win their fourth Super Bowl title, God also clarified that Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and Robert Kraft are all “dirty fucking cheats” who will spend an eternity in Hell after they die.

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