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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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‘God Fucking Dammit, You’re A Stupid Fucking Moron,’ Whispers Woman Who Realizes She Missed Ice Dancing

ROCHESTER, NY—Noting with dismay and deep self-contempt that she had missed last night’s final Olympic figure skating ice dance event, local woman Jillian Kissel reportedly whispered to herself Tuesday morning that she really was a stupid fucking moron. “God fucking dammit, you piece of shit. You missed it—you fucking missed it,” said the 28-year-old loan officer of the ballroom-dancing-inspired and classical-music-accompanied free dance program that happens once every four fucking years and featured a historic, first-ever gold medal win for the U.S., for fuck’s sake. “Shit, shit, shit. The final goddamned free dance. Well, way to go, dumbfuck. Hope you’re happy with yourself. It was probably breathtaking—the costumes, the enchanting choreography. You stupid, stupid whore.” At press time, Kissel was watching a low-resolution YouTube video of Meryl Davis and Charlie White’s jaw-droppingly gorgeous gold-medal-winning program and was overheard muttering, “This is all you fucking deserve.”

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God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

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