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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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‘God Fucking Dammit, You’re A Stupid Fucking Moron,’ Whispers Woman Who Realizes She Missed Ice Dancing

ROCHESTER, NY—Noting with dismay and deep self-contempt that she had missed last night’s final Olympic figure skating ice dance event, local woman Jillian Kissel reportedly whispered to herself Tuesday morning that she really was a stupid fucking moron. “God fucking dammit, you piece of shit. You missed it—you fucking missed it,” said the 28-year-old loan officer of the ballroom-dancing-inspired and classical-music-accompanied free dance program that happens once every four fucking years and featured a historic, first-ever gold medal win for the U.S., for fuck’s sake. “Shit, shit, shit. The final goddamned free dance. Well, way to go, dumbfuck. Hope you’re happy with yourself. It was probably breathtaking—the costumes, the enchanting choreography. You stupid, stupid whore.” At press time, Kissel was watching a low-resolution YouTube video of Meryl Davis and Charlie White’s jaw-droppingly gorgeous gold-medal-winning program and was overheard muttering, “This is all you fucking deserve.”

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