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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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‘God Fucking Dammit, You’re A Stupid Fucking Moron,’ Whispers Woman Who Realizes She Missed Ice Dancing

ROCHESTER, NY—Noting with dismay and deep self-contempt that she had missed last night’s final Olympic figure skating ice dance event, local woman Jillian Kissel reportedly whispered to herself Tuesday morning that she really was a stupid fucking moron. “God fucking dammit, you piece of shit. You missed it—you fucking missed it,” said the 28-year-old loan officer of the ballroom-dancing-inspired and classical-music-accompanied free dance program that happens once every four fucking years and featured a historic, first-ever gold medal win for the U.S., for fuck’s sake. “Shit, shit, shit. The final goddamned free dance. Well, way to go, dumbfuck. Hope you’re happy with yourself. It was probably breathtaking—the costumes, the enchanting choreography. You stupid, stupid whore.” At press time, Kissel was watching a low-resolution YouTube video of Meryl Davis and Charlie White’s jaw-droppingly gorgeous gold-medal-winning program and was overheard muttering, “This is all you fucking deserve.”

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