adBlockCheck

God Help Him, But Area Man Loves That Crazy Bitch

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

God Help Him, But Area Man Loves That Crazy Bitch

RENO, NV—Despite her continued efforts to drive him out of his goddamn mind and turn his every waking hour into some kind of living nightmare, Craig Shearer, 32, admitted Monday that he still loves that crazy bitch.

Man alive, Craig Shearer's got it bad for that fucking nutcase.

"Aw, who am I kidding? That nut-job's really got my number," Shearer told reporters after being locked out of the apartment he shares with the total psycho. "She may not give me a moment's peace and I can't mention another woman's name without hearing about it for a week, but what can I do? She's the one. That fucking lunatic is the one."

Shearer then concluded his address, sighed, and began gathering his shirts and pants from his front lawn.

Shearer's proclamation of love for that big sack of crazy comes in direct contradiction to a statement he made at the Loading Dock nightclub last week. After getting into an argument with his girlfriend over not taking her computer classes seriously enough, Shearer was reportedly thrown out of the bar at the request of the fucking basket case, who just five minutes later assaulted the bouncer for "getting in her business" and was thrown out herself.

During the intervening minutes, Shearer made a number of public statements regarding his girlfriend's unstable mental health, fluctuating emotions, and irritating pine-nut allergy before reconciling with the bat-shit insane woman in the backseat of their car.

Although Shearer has tried multiple times to leave that crazy bitch once and for all, he has thus far been unsuccessful. His most recent attempt came shortly after she arrived at his office sobbing over the death of her seventh straight pet parakeet, but was ultimately delayed when Shearer couldn't imagine his life without the raving sociopath.

"Maybe it's the way she dumped her nail polish on my pool table when I insulted her sister, or the way she cries every time I eat veal, but damned if I don't adore her crazy ass," Shearer said. "I'll kill her someday, I swear, but that wack-job is going to end up being the mother of my children."

Friends said they have seen the couple go through many difficult times in years past, including that night when the crazy bitch had a little bit too much to drink and accused Shearer of hiding money from her, and that incident, a few weeks back, when she locked herself inside the bathroom and refused to come out until Shearer had thrown away the casserole she cooked, like she knew he wanted to. Still, sources confirmed that Shearer and his old lady always seem to work things out in the end, a trend that may suggest those crazy fucks are perfect for each other.

"If my girlfriend wrote 'limp dick' in permanent marker on all my work shirts because I said Kate Winslet was hot, I'd probably leave her," Shearer's longtime friend James Pennette said. "But Craig? Man, does he have it bad for that crazy bitch."

Pennette could not be reached for further comment, as he is currently recovering in West Hills Hospital for talking shit about the love of Shearer's life.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close