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God Help Him, But Area Man Loves That Crazy Bitch

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.
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God Help Him, But Area Man Loves That Crazy Bitch

RENO, NV—Despite her continued efforts to drive him out of his goddamn mind and turn his every waking hour into some kind of living nightmare, Craig Shearer, 32, admitted Monday that he still loves that crazy bitch.

Man alive, Craig Shearer's got it bad for that fucking nutcase.

"Aw, who am I kidding? That nut-job's really got my number," Shearer told reporters after being locked out of the apartment he shares with the total psycho. "She may not give me a moment's peace and I can't mention another woman's name without hearing about it for a week, but what can I do? She's the one. That fucking lunatic is the one."

Shearer then concluded his address, sighed, and began gathering his shirts and pants from his front lawn.

Shearer's proclamation of love for that big sack of crazy comes in direct contradiction to a statement he made at the Loading Dock nightclub last week. After getting into an argument with his girlfriend over not taking her computer classes seriously enough, Shearer was reportedly thrown out of the bar at the request of the fucking basket case, who just five minutes later assaulted the bouncer for "getting in her business" and was thrown out herself.

During the intervening minutes, Shearer made a number of public statements regarding his girlfriend's unstable mental health, fluctuating emotions, and irritating pine-nut allergy before reconciling with the bat-shit insane woman in the backseat of their car.

Although Shearer has tried multiple times to leave that crazy bitch once and for all, he has thus far been unsuccessful. His most recent attempt came shortly after she arrived at his office sobbing over the death of her seventh straight pet parakeet, but was ultimately delayed when Shearer couldn't imagine his life without the raving sociopath.

"Maybe it's the way she dumped her nail polish on my pool table when I insulted her sister, or the way she cries every time I eat veal, but damned if I don't adore her crazy ass," Shearer said. "I'll kill her someday, I swear, but that wack-job is going to end up being the mother of my children."

Friends said they have seen the couple go through many difficult times in years past, including that night when the crazy bitch had a little bit too much to drink and accused Shearer of hiding money from her, and that incident, a few weeks back, when she locked herself inside the bathroom and refused to come out until Shearer had thrown away the casserole she cooked, like she knew he wanted to. Still, sources confirmed that Shearer and his old lady always seem to work things out in the end, a trend that may suggest those crazy fucks are perfect for each other.

"If my girlfriend wrote 'limp dick' in permanent marker on all my work shirts because I said Kate Winslet was hot, I'd probably leave her," Shearer's longtime friend James Pennette said. "But Craig? Man, does he have it bad for that crazy bitch."

Pennette could not be reached for further comment, as he is currently recovering in West Hills Hospital for talking shit about the love of Shearer's life.

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