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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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God Help Him, But Area Man Loves That Crazy Bitch

RENO, NV—Despite her continued efforts to drive him out of his goddamn mind and turn his every waking hour into some kind of living nightmare, Craig Shearer, 32, admitted Monday that he still loves that crazy bitch.

Man alive, Craig Shearer's got it bad for that fucking nutcase.

"Aw, who am I kidding? That nut-job's really got my number," Shearer told reporters after being locked out of the apartment he shares with the total psycho. "She may not give me a moment's peace and I can't mention another woman's name without hearing about it for a week, but what can I do? She's the one. That fucking lunatic is the one."

Shearer then concluded his address, sighed, and began gathering his shirts and pants from his front lawn.

Shearer's proclamation of love for that big sack of crazy comes in direct contradiction to a statement he made at the Loading Dock nightclub last week. After getting into an argument with his girlfriend over not taking her computer classes seriously enough, Shearer was reportedly thrown out of the bar at the request of the fucking basket case, who just five minutes later assaulted the bouncer for "getting in her business" and was thrown out herself.

During the intervening minutes, Shearer made a number of public statements regarding his girlfriend's unstable mental health, fluctuating emotions, and irritating pine-nut allergy before reconciling with the bat-shit insane woman in the backseat of their car.

Although Shearer has tried multiple times to leave that crazy bitch once and for all, he has thus far been unsuccessful. His most recent attempt came shortly after she arrived at his office sobbing over the death of her seventh straight pet parakeet, but was ultimately delayed when Shearer couldn't imagine his life without the raving sociopath.

"Maybe it's the way she dumped her nail polish on my pool table when I insulted her sister, or the way she cries every time I eat veal, but damned if I don't adore her crazy ass," Shearer said. "I'll kill her someday, I swear, but that wack-job is going to end up being the mother of my children."

Friends said they have seen the couple go through many difficult times in years past, including that night when the crazy bitch had a little bit too much to drink and accused Shearer of hiding money from her, and that incident, a few weeks back, when she locked herself inside the bathroom and refused to come out until Shearer had thrown away the casserole she cooked, like she knew he wanted to. Still, sources confirmed that Shearer and his old lady always seem to work things out in the end, a trend that may suggest those crazy fucks are perfect for each other.

"If my girlfriend wrote 'limp dick' in permanent marker on all my work shirts because I said Kate Winslet was hot, I'd probably leave her," Shearer's longtime friend James Pennette said. "But Craig? Man, does he have it bad for that crazy bitch."

Pennette could not be reached for further comment, as he is currently recovering in West Hills Hospital for talking shit about the love of Shearer's life.

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