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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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God Hurting After Eating 20-Piece Spicy Angel Wings

THE HEAVENS—Staring off into the middle distance for several minutes in obvious discomfort, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He was “hurting real bad” after consuming an entire 20-piece order of spicy angel wings. “Ooh, mama,” said God, who was reportedly sweating profusely and had bright orange “Atomic” angel wing sauce speckling His white beard. “Oh, I’m so dumb. Why didn’t I just get a half-order of the angel wings? Or the honey BBQ kind? Ugh, I’m gonna be feeling these suckers for the next couple millennia.” According to sources, a logy God later suffered severe sunburn after dozing off on some clouds that were bathed in direct heavenly light.

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