adBlockCheck

Recent News

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
End Of Section
  • More News

God Knocked Unconscious By DirectTV Satellite

THE HEAVENS—Noting that He was a little shaken but would be all right, sources confirmed Friday that the Lord God Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, was struck by a DirecTV satellite approximately 22,000 miles above earth, rendering Him unconscious for several minutes. “Whoa! How long was I out?” God said to a host of concerned seraphim moments after the four-ton satellite impacted near His right temple while traveling at roughly 6,900 miles per hour. “Man, I must have let My mind wander—that thing really came out of nowhere. I didn’t see it at all.” As of press time, Heavenly sources confirmed that the deity had fully returned to omniscience.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings