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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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God Pissed Solar Eclipse Not Visible From Heaven

THE HEAVENS—Angered to be missing out on the spectacular celestial phenomenon, God, Our Lord and Father, was reportedly pissed Monday that the solar eclipse would not be visible from Heaven. “Dammit, I’ve walked around every cloud here, and the sun looks the same no matter where I am,” said the Almighty, fuming that He wasted “eight freaking bucks” on special viewing glasses only to find out nothing was happening. “I looked it up online, and it said that I should be right in the path of total coverage. But it just seems like any other stupid day. So now I either have to watch this on some glitchy NASA livestream or wait until 2024 for the next one? That’s total bullshit.” At press time, the Lord had permanently installed the moon directly in front of the sun, so he could watch an eclipse anytime he wanted.

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