God Pledges $5,000 For Cancer Research

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Vol 50 Issue 28

Snowden: NSA Agents Pass Around Nude Photos

In an interview with The Guardian, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden revealed that some U.S. intelligence agents routinely pass around nude photos and other “sexually compromised” images they discover while spying on targets.

Mom $15,000 In The Hole With Ceramic Frog Dealer

Everyone in the Middle East is given their own country in a 317,000,000-state solution, NASA announces plans to launch a chimpanzee into the sun, and a local mom is $15,000 in the hole with her ceramic frog dealer.

Marriage Going To Be Hard To Go Back To On Monday

EAST HARTFORD, CT—Thinking wearily of the moment when he would have to return to the daily grind, local man Dan Zageris is already dreading going back to his marriage Monday, sources confirmed this weekend.

KKK Recruiting Kids By Handing Out Candy

According to residents of a South Carolina town, the Ku Klux Klan has been attempting to recruit children into its ranks by going to neighborhoods and leaving out bags of candy containing slips of paper with the words “Save Our Land, Join The Klan...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

God Pledges $5,000 For Cancer Research

THE HEAVENS—Expressing His hope that the contribution would assist efforts to find a cure for the devastating disease, the Lord Our God, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, confirmed Thursday that He had pledged $5,000 to the American Cancer Society to help fund ongoing research. “I have the means, so I can afford to give a little bit of money to support such an important cause,” said He Who Commanded Light to Shine Out of the Darkness, describing the contribution as “the very least [He] could do” in the fight against the disease that causes more than 8 million deaths annually. “Now, obviously a $5,000 donation isn’t going to just make the cure appear by itself. Clearly, there’s no magic bullet for this thing. But every little bit helps. And knowing I might be making a small difference in the life of some kid with leukemia or mom with breast cancer just makes me feel like I did my part.” The Divine Creator of Life, Heaven, and Earth told reporters that if the timing works out, He also plans to participate in a 10K benefit run for Hodgkin lymphoma this fall.

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