God Re-Floods Middle East

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Vol 38 Issue 16

Correct Theory Discarded In Favor Of More Exciting Theory

GRETNA, NE— The correct theory regarding the closing of Marvin's Diner was discarded Monday in favor of a far more exciting theory. "I bet the Omaha mafia muscled them out," said Gretna resident Lucinda Dunfee, pondering the fate of Marvin's Diner, which was shut down due to health-code violations. "They were taking business away from Steak Barrel, and those guys don't care who they get mixed up with." Dunfee noted that the restaurant's trash cans were often overturned during the night, which was likely an act of intimidation on the part of the Omaha crime syndicate.

Paul Lynde Impersonation Lost On Daughter's Friends

WAKEFIELD, MA— Sarah Ammons, 14, expressed befuddlement Monday, when, during a ride to school, her father attempted to entertain her and several friends with an impromptu impersonation of late comedian and Hollywood Squares regular Paul Lynde. "The next time I have a daughter, I hope it's a boy!" Bob Ammons, 41, bleated nasally in an imitation of the once-popular pop-culture reference. "Paul Lynde." Added Ammons: "Center square, usually sat between George Gobel and Rose Marie? Voice of Templeton the rat?" After dropping the girls off at school, Ammons stared into his car's rear-view mirror at the crow's feet developing around his eyes.

TV Guide Channel Tops Nielsens

LOS ANGELES— For the 11th straight week, the TV Guide Channel topped the Nielsen ratings, scoring blockbuster numbers in virtually all time slots and days of the week. "The frustrating experience of trying to find something decent on TV has meant ratings gold for the TV Guide Channel, Variety editor Peter Bart said. "By providing a means to search for something—anything—worth watching, this 24-hour electronic scroll has made itself America's most-watched channel."

Secretary Of Agriculture Gently Reminded About Dress Code

WASHINGTON, DC— After attending Monday's Cabinet meeting in a flannel work shirt and tattered jeans, Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman was gently reminded by President Bush about the executive-branch dress code. "Say, you know, we get a lot of foreign dignitaries coming through here," Bush told Veneman. "So I think it might be a good idea if you had a little bit more of a professional appearance. Like maybe a nice navy-blue dress." Bush also encouraged Veneman to consider dress shoes instead of her usual steel-toe work boots.

Car Salesman Three Desks Over Going On And On About Chick He Banged Last Night

VIENNA, VA— The sales associate three desks over from Chevy/Geo dealer Karl Glodek is going on and on about the chick he banged last night, sources reported Monday. "You would not believe the stamina on this chick. Hours. She was a total freak," the salesman told an unnamed friend over the phone, as well as Glodek and the couple about to sign on a 2002 Chevy Prizm sedan. "Incredible rack, too—like, out to here." Glodek then suggested the couple go outside for "one more look at that beaut of a Prizm."

The Robert Blake Murder Case

Arrested nearly a year after his wife was fatally shot, actor Robert Blake is pleading not guilty to murder charges. What do you think?

Little Chelsea Clinton Is All Grown Up And Glamorous!

Item! Remember Chelsea Clinton? Wasn't it nice to have a presidential daughter who wasn't posing for Playboy or getting drunk? Instead, she was her own sweet self, full of flowers and sunshine, bringing cheer to everyone she met. Now, she's all grown up and glamorous, thanks to an expensive European makeover. It's nice to see Chelsea with her hair straightened sitting next to the likes of Gwenneth Paltrow and Madonna at Italian fashion shows. Can acting be too far off in her future? Keeping my fingers crossed...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Spring

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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

God Re-Floods Middle East

God

JERUSALEM—In what theological and meteorological authorities are calling "a wrathful display of Old Testament proportions," the Lord Almighty re-flooded the Middle East Tuesday, making good on last week's threat to wipe the region clean if there was not an immediate halt to the bloodshed between Arabs and Jews.

The Lord made the decision to go ahead with His second Great Flood after last-ditch U.S.-Saudi peace initiatives were rejected Monday night.

"The Lord thy God has warned you and warned you, but you have, in your hatred and selfishness, chosen to turn away from Him," read a press statement from God, delivered by seraphim and cherubim acting as His earthly agents. "Prepare now to face His wrath and be drowned beneath the cleansing waters of His righteous rage. Children of Israel and Palestine, you who would not repent your sinful ways and live together as God's children, prepare to face your doom under the unstoppable deluge of the Lord's retribution."

A 200-foot wave bears down on Palestinians clashing with Israeli soldiers in the West Bank town of Hebron.

As of press time, a torrential rain continues to fall on Israel and the West Bank, with the downpour expected to continue for another 39 days and 39 nights. Thus far, flood waters have risen more than 200 feet, drowning most of the humans and animals in the vicinity. The few remaining survivors, most of whom cling to pieces of driftwood, have made desperate pleas for mercy, but their cries have fallen on deaf ears in Heaven, with the Lord refusing to stem the raging waters.

Though regretful over the severity of God's punishment, Mideast peace negotiators nonetheless praised Him for coming up with the first-ever viable solution to the ongoing crisis.

"Yahweh, or Allah, depending on what name you choose to call Him, has finally brought to bear upon this place a direct route to peace," said former president Jimmy Carter, who in 1978 brokered the Camp David Accords, one of the region's many short-lived peace agreements. "Lord knows that I and many others before and since Camp David have done our best to find a way for these two peoples to stop the killing and hatred, to no avail. But God, in His infinite wisdom, realized that it just isn't worth it anymore, and that the best thing to do is cut His losses, drown the whole lot of them, and start fresh once the raging waters subside."

In spite of repeated warnings from God, the flood came as a major surprise to Israeli and Palestinian leaders, who believed He would keep the promise He made following the Great Flood of Noah never to drown the planet again. Confident that God would honor the "Rainbow Covenant," Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat rejected the 11th-hour peace deal proposed by the joint U.S. and Saudi delegation.

"I believe Arafat and Sharon thought the Lord was bluffing and wrongly assumed they could call His bluff rather than make peace with each other," said Timothy Uselmann, a professor at Harvard's Center For Middle Eastern Studies. "Evidently, they were wrong. God has sent a strong message here: Obey His commands, or face certain peril at His hand."

Jerusalem's Dome Of The Rock is engulfed by rising floodwaters.

Speaking on behalf of the Lord, an unnamed, non-denominational representative of Heaven said: "God only promised humanity that He would never again flood the entire Earth. He never said He wouldn't flood specific areas."

The most recent, clearest sign of the Second Deluge came last Thursday, when a tersely worded press statement from God's angelic hosts ominously stated, "If there are any species native to the area that you would prefer not to see go extinct, we strongly suggest you begin gathering them two by two."

In spite of this and other such warnings, Palestinian suicide bombings and the Israeli military's West Bank tank assault continued after God's April 21 cease-fire deadline passed.

"For too long, thou hast ignored the entreaties of thy Lord to let go of your wickedness and hatred and live together in peace, My children," God said. "Thou hast refused the lion to lie down with the lamb, and My rod and staff have been of no comfort to you. Instead, you have continued to kill each other without ceasing. The time has come for that to stop. You want to keep running each other over with tanks and strapping dynamite to yourselves, killing women and children in pursuit of your extremist political positions, that's just fine. Let's see how well you carry out your murderous agendas under 800 feet of water."

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