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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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God Realizes He Forgot To Put Souls In Humans

THE HEAVENS—While pacing across His Eternal Kingdom on Friday, the Lord God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, suddenly realized He had forgotten to provide human beings with souls, sources from on high reported. “I could have sworn I put souls in there, but apparently it never happened—I hope no one’s noticed,” said God, adding that it was probably too late to imbue mankind with an immortal spiritual essence now that billions of humans had already gone out the door. “I certainly meant to. Maybe I got sidetracked working on all the hands and feet and everything and just never came back to their souls. I created a whole bunch of other stuff that day, so who knows?” God later admitted He should have known He had forgotten something when, believing there was no more work to do, He was able to take the seventh day off entirely.


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