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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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God Realizes He Forgot To Put Souls In Humans

THE HEAVENS—While pacing across His Eternal Kingdom on Friday, the Lord God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, suddenly realized He had forgotten to provide human beings with souls, sources from on high reported. “I could have sworn I put souls in there, but apparently it never happened—I hope no one’s noticed,” said God, adding that it was probably too late to imbue mankind with an immortal spiritual essence now that billions of humans had already gone out the door. “I certainly meant to. Maybe I got sidetracked working on all the hands and feet and everything and just never came back to their souls. I created a whole bunch of other stuff that day, so who knows?” God later admitted He should have known He had forgotten something when, believing there was no more work to do, He was able to take the seventh day off entirely.


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