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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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God Refuses To Grant Any More Transcendent Near-Death Experiences To People Who Crash Snowmobiles

THE HEAVENS—Saying He was fed up with providing His divine assistance in such cases, the Lord our God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, proclaimed Thursday He would no longer bestow transcendent near-death experiences upon people who crash their snowmobiles. “From now on, if you tear off into the woods on a snowmobile, hit a rock, and go flying headlong into a tree, do not expect to see a blissful white light or feel an overwhelming sense of peace at all,” said God, who added that the next time someone sustained life-threatening injuries while trying to snowmobile across a partially frozen lake after drinking heavily with their friends, the only thing they would experience would be a long, painful wait for an ambulance. “Let me be absolutely clear: If you go and do 90 on your Arctic Cat, smash your skull in, and are declared clinically dead for a few minutes, you absolutely will not get to glimpse Heaven, see My face, or even watch scenes from your life passing before your eyes—none of it. I’ve done all that for this one idiot three times already. Enough is enough.” The Lord added that, as always, people critically injured in hang-gliding accidents would still be allowed to meet all their dead relatives before waking up.


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