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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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God Refuses To Grant Any More Transcendent Near-Death Experiences To People Who Crash Snowmobiles

THE HEAVENS—Saying He was fed up with providing His divine assistance in such cases, the Lord our God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, proclaimed Thursday He would no longer bestow transcendent near-death experiences upon people who crash their snowmobiles. “From now on, if you tear off into the woods on a snowmobile, hit a rock, and go flying headlong into a tree, do not expect to see a blissful white light or feel an overwhelming sense of peace at all,” said God, who added that the next time someone sustained life-threatening injuries while trying to snowmobile across a partially frozen lake after drinking heavily with their friends, the only thing they would experience would be a long, painful wait for an ambulance. “Let me be absolutely clear: If you go and do 90 on your Arctic Cat, smash your skull in, and are declared clinically dead for a few minutes, you absolutely will not get to glimpse Heaven, see My face, or even watch scenes from your life passing before your eyes—none of it. I’ve done all that for this one idiot three times already. Enough is enough.” The Lord added that, as always, people critically injured in hang-gliding accidents would still be allowed to meet all their dead relatives before waking up.


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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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