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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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God Refuses To Grant Any More Transcendent Near-Death Experiences To People Who Crash Snowmobiles

THE HEAVENS—Saying He was fed up with providing His divine assistance in such cases, the Lord our God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, proclaimed Thursday He would no longer bestow transcendent near-death experiences upon people who crash their snowmobiles. “From now on, if you tear off into the woods on a snowmobile, hit a rock, and go flying headlong into a tree, do not expect to see a blissful white light or feel an overwhelming sense of peace at all,” said God, who added that the next time someone sustained life-threatening injuries while trying to snowmobile across a partially frozen lake after drinking heavily with their friends, the only thing they would experience would be a long, painful wait for an ambulance. “Let me be absolutely clear: If you go and do 90 on your Arctic Cat, smash your skull in, and are declared clinically dead for a few minutes, you absolutely will not get to glimpse Heaven, see My face, or even watch scenes from your life passing before your eyes—none of it. I’ve done all that for this one idiot three times already. Enough is enough.” The Lord added that, as always, people critically injured in hang-gliding accidents would still be allowed to meet all their dead relatives before waking up.


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Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

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