TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Innovation

Entertainment

God Savoring Vast Array Of Cubs-Cursing Options

CHICAGO—God, the divine creator and omnipotent deity, held a press conference Tuesday to discuss the infinite ways in which He could curse the postseason hopes of His least favorite baseball team, the Chicago Cubs.

"I might go with an inopportune rainout or the classic error on a routine play. Or maybe I'll mess with the lights during a huge play in Game 7—that could be interesting," said God, who added that when it came to the Cubs, it was nice to stop moving in mysterious ways and take the direct-intervention approach for once. "My prophet Steve Bartman will certainly be a tough act to follow, but trust Me: Anything can happen. And let's just say that for the centennial celebration, it will be huge." When asked about His plans for mankind, God said He would "probably" allow our free will to decide the issue.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More