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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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God Savoring Vast Array Of Cubs-Cursing Options

CHICAGO—God, the divine creator and omnipotent deity, held a press conference Tuesday to discuss the infinite ways in which He could curse the postseason hopes of His least favorite baseball team, the Chicago Cubs.

"I might go with an inopportune rainout or the classic error on a routine play. Or maybe I'll mess with the lights during a huge play in Game 7—that could be interesting," said God, who added that when it came to the Cubs, it was nice to stop moving in mysterious ways and take the direct-intervention approach for once. "My prophet Steve Bartman will certainly be a tough act to follow, but trust Me: Anything can happen. And let's just say that for the centennial celebration, it will be huge." When asked about His plans for mankind, God said He would "probably" allow our free will to decide the issue.

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