adBlockCheck

Recent News

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

God Seeking To Crack Down On Souls Smuggling Drugs Into Heaven

THE HEAVENS—Following a wave of high-profile angelic overdoses, the Lord, Our Heavenly Father, announced on Monday a massive crackdown on drugs being smuggled into heaven, purportedly by entering souls. “We’re not entirely certain how this garbage is getting in here, but we’re going to find out and put a stop to it,” said God, referring to the roughly 700 tons of heroin and other narcotics being trafficked into Eternal Paradise and affecting every level of the angelic hierarchy, including reports of at least three archangels succumbing to opioid addiction. “St. Peter’s gate is going to be a key security point, and Peter has been informed that stopping the flow of drugs is now his top priority; to that end, entering souls should expect significant delays for the foreseeable future.” God acknowledged, however, that even these measures would do little against the methamphetamine that can be manufactured using ingredients easily available throughout the heavenly realm.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close