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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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God Wondering If He's Being Too Cruel In Allowing Cavaliers To Reach NBA Finals

PARADISE—God, the omnipotent and omniscient Creator of the Universe who recently saw fit to allow the Cleveland Cavaliers to advance to the NBA Finals, expressed concern Tuesday that He might be causing the earthly city of Cleveland undue emotional anguish by doing so. "I can't help feeling that they who dwell in Cleveland and root for the Cavaliers have done nothing to warrant the dashing of their hopes after having them raised to such lofty heights," said God, who acknowledged that day-to-day life was bitter enough for city residents. "Although I move in mysterious ways, and in doing so often allow bad things to happen to good people, My grand design is usually glorious to behold. But the Cavs in the Finals…I don't know, maybe that's just plain mean." God is said to be particularly sensitive to looming tragedies in Cleveland recently, as the Indians have been playing better than expected, earthquake-level tension began building in a previously undetected geological slip-fault in the bedrock along the shores of Lake Erie, and the Browns drafted quarterback Brady Quinn.

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