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What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.
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God Wonders What Happens To Humans After They Die

God says He hopes people continue existing in some form after their deaths, but worries they might just be gone completely.
God says He hopes people continue existing in some form after their deaths, but worries they might just be gone completely.

THE HEAVENS—Calling it one of the greatest mysteries in life, the Lord God Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, admitted Wednesday that He often wonders what happens to human beings after they die.

The Creator of Heaven and Earth, who said He has often grappled over the millennia with the uncomfortable reality that humans never come back after they die, told reporters He had “absolutely no idea” what, if anything, people experience once their vital organs permanently cease to function.

“Some say that when people die, that’s the end, but who knows?” said the Supreme Being, adding that no one in the world could say with any degree of certainty whether one’s existence completely ceases with death. “Others say that at the moment they die, people walk toward a bright light and into another world, but the thing is, only the people who die are the ones who know. I just know that it would be awfully sad to think that when they pass on they’re gone forever.”

“I want to believe that human beings continue on in some form after their deaths,” He continued, “but who am I to say, really?”

The God of Abraham said that the varied religious and spiritual beliefs about the afterlife held by His 7.1 billion human creations were “nothing more than speculation,” before noting that He doesn’t think science and philosophy have all the answers, either. He emphasized that He understands intellectually that human beings are physical things that He made from atoms like everything else, but that He couldn’t help but wonder if they each also possessed some unique eternal essence that continued living on after their bodies died.

He Who Commanded Light to Shine Out of Darkness went on to state that accepting death as a natural part of human life did not make it any less frightening for Him to contemplate, remarking that it was “pretty scary” to think that once the people He brought into this world die, He might never see them again.

“Of course it’s comforting to imagine that [Cincinnati resident] Doris [Hughes], [Volgograd, Russia, resident] Mikhail [Pavlychko], and [Derby, U.K., resident] Fran [Grimmell] are smiling down on me from somewhere,” the Divine Creator said. “If I’m being honest with myself, though, I really can’t say where any of those people are now.”

“That’s the troubling thing,” He added. “They’re living and breathing one minute with all their thoughts and desires known to me, and then they’re gone forever the next.”

Concluding that when it came to what He described as “the great, unknowable beyond” His guess was “as good as anyone’s,” the Lord said there was no point in worrying too much about such an inscrutable thing.

“My view—take it or leave it—is that you can talk and argue as much as you want about death, but when it comes down to it, all anyone can do is guess what’s on the other side,” God Almighty said. “In the meantime, humans should enjoy themselves, try to live honestly, be good to one another, and make the most of their time on earth.”

“Because, like it or not, I’ll end all of their lives sooner or later,” He added. “There’s simply no escaping that.”

More from this section

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

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