adBlockCheck

God Wonders What Happens To Humans After They Die

Top Headlines

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

God Wonders What Happens To Humans After They Die

God says He hopes people continue existing in some form after their deaths, but worries they might just be gone completely.
God says He hopes people continue existing in some form after their deaths, but worries they might just be gone completely.

THE HEAVENS—Calling it one of the greatest mysteries in life, the Lord God Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, admitted Wednesday that He often wonders what happens to human beings after they die.

The Creator of Heaven and Earth, who said He has often grappled over the millennia with the uncomfortable reality that humans never come back after they die, told reporters He had “absolutely no idea” what, if anything, people experience once their vital organs permanently cease to function.

“Some say that when people die, that’s the end, but who knows?” said the Supreme Being, adding that no one in the world could say with any degree of certainty whether one’s existence completely ceases with death. “Others say that at the moment they die, people walk toward a bright light and into another world, but the thing is, only the people who die are the ones who know. I just know that it would be awfully sad to think that when they pass on they’re gone forever.”

“I want to believe that human beings continue on in some form after their deaths,” He continued, “but who am I to say, really?”

The God of Abraham said that the varied religious and spiritual beliefs about the afterlife held by His 7.1 billion human creations were “nothing more than speculation,” before noting that He doesn’t think science and philosophy have all the answers, either. He emphasized that He understands intellectually that human beings are physical things that He made from atoms like everything else, but that He couldn’t help but wonder if they each also possessed some unique eternal essence that continued living on after their bodies died.

He Who Commanded Light to Shine Out of Darkness went on to state that accepting death as a natural part of human life did not make it any less frightening for Him to contemplate, remarking that it was “pretty scary” to think that once the people He brought into this world die, He might never see them again.

“Of course it’s comforting to imagine that [Cincinnati resident] Doris [Hughes], [Volgograd, Russia, resident] Mikhail [Pavlychko], and [Derby, U.K., resident] Fran [Grimmell] are smiling down on me from somewhere,” the Divine Creator said. “If I’m being honest with myself, though, I really can’t say where any of those people are now.”

“That’s the troubling thing,” He added. “They’re living and breathing one minute with all their thoughts and desires known to me, and then they’re gone forever the next.”

Concluding that when it came to what He described as “the great, unknowable beyond” His guess was “as good as anyone’s,” the Lord said there was no point in worrying too much about such an inscrutable thing.

“My view—take it or leave it—is that you can talk and argue as much as you want about death, but when it comes down to it, all anyone can do is guess what’s on the other side,” God Almighty said. “In the meantime, humans should enjoy themselves, try to live honestly, be good to one another, and make the most of their time on earth.”

“Because, like it or not, I’ll end all of their lives sooner or later,” He added. “There’s simply no escaping that.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close