Goddamn Ficus Plant Should Come With Instructions

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Male Orgasm Captured On Film

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Announcing "a major advance in the age-old quest to unlock the secrets at the heart of human sexuality," researchers at Harvard's Center For The Graphic Depiction Of The Human Sexual Act confirmed Monday that, with the aid of experimental new high-speed photographic technology, they have successfully captured the elusive male orgasm on film.

Local Lutheran Minister Loves To Fuck His Wife

NASHUA, NH—Pastor Bob Snowdon, of Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church in Nashua, is a man of deep religious and moral convictions. He derives great satisfaction from his various parish duties—reciting the liturgy, giving holy communion, and performing the sacrament of baptism. But nothing delights him quite like his favorite activity of all: fucking Emily Snowdon, his holy-wedded wife of 19 years.

Opening Staff Rails Against Incompetence Of Closing Staff

ATHENS, GA—Citing a recent rash of barely mopped floors, sloppy register work, and general negligence, the opening staff of local restaurant Dom's issued a harsh proclamation this week, saying it would no longer endure the half-assed performance of the closing staff.

The Life And Works Of Dr. Seuss

A 50-year-old manuscript by the late Theodor Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, is being released this week, captivating nostalgic readers who grew up on seven decades of children’s books from the prolific author. Here are some highlights from Dr. Seuss’ life and work

8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live

'We're Getting The Hell Out Of This Sewer,' Entire Populace Reports

NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having simultaneously realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Goddamn Ficus Plant Should Come With Instructions

ALBUQUERQUE, NM–According to area resident Howard Braddock, 44, the goddamn ficus plant in the sun room ought to come with some basic fucking instructions as to what to give it and when. "I'm either overwatering it or underwatering it," said Braddock of the dying plant. "But unless I get myself either an owner's manual or a Ph.D in botany, I may as well just flip a friggin' coin." Braddock further noted that whatever the hell's wrong, three leaves fall off every time he even so much as breathes on the damn thing.