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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Goddamn Findings Fail To Support Researcher's Hypothesis

LANCASTER, CA—Test data on superconductivity in aligned-crystal bismuth-mercury ceramics failed to support physicist Charles Antonini's carefully-fucking-conceived hypothesis, he told the journal Nature yesterday. "It seems the goddamn math is correct, so I obviously must not have taken other motherfucking factors into account," said Antonini, who had dedicated the past nine years of his life to "solving the cunt of an obstacle to miniature supercomputers." An unexpurgated account of Antonini's studies in cryomatrix crystallography will be published in the journal Cock-Sucking Science.
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