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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Goddamn Findings Fail To Support Researcher's Hypothesis

LANCASTER, CA—Test data on superconductivity in aligned-crystal bismuth-mercury ceramics failed to support physicist Charles Antonini's carefully-fucking-conceived hypothesis, he told the journal Nature yesterday. "It seems the goddamn math is correct, so I obviously must not have taken other motherfucking factors into account," said Antonini, who had dedicated the past nine years of his life to "solving the cunt of an obstacle to miniature supercomputers." An unexpurgated account of Antonini's studies in cryomatrix crystallography will be published in the journal Cock-Sucking Science.

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