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Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.
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Going-Out-Of-Business Sign Thanks Neighborhood For 3 Months Of No Support Whatsoever

INDIANAPOLIS—Shuttering its doors after an unprofitable 12 weeks in business, local coffee shop Crossroads Café offered a heartfelt goodbye to the community this week with a large going-out-of-business sign thanking residents for their total lack of support. “Although we’re sad to be leaving, the whole team at Crossroads Café owes a huge debt of gratitude to our customers for only peeking in, ignoring our daily fresh baked goods, not showing up to any of our live events, and just generally being uncaring pricks,” read the emphatic, hand-lettered poster prominently displayed in the window of the now-defunct storefront. “Having to make rent and payroll with barely $100 in sales is an experience we’ll never forget. We feel so fortunate that even for three short months we had the chance to serve such a cheap, disloyal community who clearly could give a shit about supporting local commerce. And we truly mean this from the bottom of our hearts: Thanks for nothing, assholes.” The poster is considered to be the local business community’s sincerest farewell to the public since the Fox Road Blockbuster Video hung its famous “Enjoy Your Fucking Netflix” banner in 2011.

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