adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Going Out To Dinner With Food-Loving Friend A Huge Ordeal

SEATTLE—Going out to dinner with 41-year-old self-described gourmand David Loomis has become a massive, aggravating ordeal, exasperated friends confirmed Monday. "Once we can finally settle on a restaurant that's 'authentic' enough for Dave, he will pretty much exclusively talk about how certain things are prepared or the chef's career up until that point rather than have an actual conversation with the people at the table," said best friend Henry Tan, 39, who has been chastised by Loomis on no fewer than four occasions for mispronouncing the names of ethnic dishes. "Most times, he won't even let you order what you want, and instead you have to get some weird thing that a particular place is 'known for'—not that I've ever seen Dave served anything that he didn't have some huge problem with." Tan added that he thought the traditional Japanese ramen Loomis recently forced him to try after waiting more than two hours for a table at a new restaurant was "pretty good" and not the "bland, pedestrian trainwreck" the intense lover of food described.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close