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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Going Out To Dinner With Food-Loving Friend A Huge Ordeal

SEATTLE—Going out to dinner with 41-year-old self-described gourmand David Loomis has become a massive, aggravating ordeal, exasperated friends confirmed Monday. "Once we can finally settle on a restaurant that's 'authentic' enough for Dave, he will pretty much exclusively talk about how certain things are prepared or the chef's career up until that point rather than have an actual conversation with the people at the table," said best friend Henry Tan, 39, who has been chastised by Loomis on no fewer than four occasions for mispronouncing the names of ethnic dishes. "Most times, he won't even let you order what you want, and instead you have to get some weird thing that a particular place is 'known for'—not that I've ever seen Dave served anything that he didn't have some huge problem with." Tan added that he thought the traditional Japanese ramen Loomis recently forced him to try after waiting more than two hours for a table at a new restaurant was "pretty good" and not the "bland, pedestrian trainwreck" the intense lover of food described.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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