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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Going Out To Dinner With Food-Loving Friend A Huge Ordeal

SEATTLE—Going out to dinner with 41-year-old self-described gourmand David Loomis has become a massive, aggravating ordeal, exasperated friends confirmed Monday. "Once we can finally settle on a restaurant that's 'authentic' enough for Dave, he will pretty much exclusively talk about how certain things are prepared or the chef's career up until that point rather than have an actual conversation with the people at the table," said best friend Henry Tan, 39, who has been chastised by Loomis on no fewer than four occasions for mispronouncing the names of ethnic dishes. "Most times, he won't even let you order what you want, and instead you have to get some weird thing that a particular place is 'known for'—not that I've ever seen Dave served anything that he didn't have some huge problem with." Tan added that he thought the traditional Japanese ramen Loomis recently forced him to try after waiting more than two hours for a table at a new restaurant was "pretty good" and not the "bland, pedestrian trainwreck" the intense lover of food described.

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