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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.
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Gold Bracelet Picked Up At Pharmacy

ORO VALLEY, AZ—After spending a full minute holding the bracelet next to a small white bear hugging a jar of Hershey's kisses, James Mendez ultimately selected the $9.89 Rite Aid jewelry item as a Valentine's Day gift for wife Sheila Mendez on Friday. Although he originally entered the drug store to buy saline solution, the 46-year-old bank manager was reminded of the fast-approaching holiday by a display shelf of red and pink candy, and decided to treat his wife to the 14-karat yellow-tone rope-chain bracelet he spotted near the reading glasses. "We're going to be painting the basement tomorrow, so I probably won't get a chance to run out," said Mendez, who opted not to further decorate the gift after he was unable to find bows not sold in bulk. "What woman doesn't like gold?" At press time, it was not clear how the bracelet would affect Mrs. Mendez's plan to lie lifelessly through the couple's semiannual lovemaking session.

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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

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