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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Gold Bracelet Picked Up At Pharmacy

ORO VALLEY, AZ—After spending a full minute holding the bracelet next to a small white bear hugging a jar of Hershey's kisses, James Mendez ultimately selected the $9.89 Rite Aid jewelry item as a Valentine's Day gift for wife Sheila Mendez on Friday. Although he originally entered the drug store to buy saline solution, the 46-year-old bank manager was reminded of the fast-approaching holiday by a display shelf of red and pink candy, and decided to treat his wife to the 14-karat yellow-tone rope-chain bracelet he spotted near the reading glasses. "We're going to be painting the basement tomorrow, so I probably won't get a chance to run out," said Mendez, who opted not to further decorate the gift after he was unable to find bows not sold in bulk. "What woman doesn't like gold?" At press time, it was not clear how the bracelet would affect Mrs. Mendez's plan to lie lifelessly through the couple's semiannual lovemaking session.

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