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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Golden Calf To Unite Nation

WASHINGTON, DC—A vast sea of U.S. citizens streamed through the streets of Washington Monday holding aloft a golden calf, one which government officials believe will bring an unprecedented sense of unity to the country.

Citizens hold aloft the Golden Calf, which is expected to lead America out of the wilderness, replacing the false gods of representative government and law.

The calf was created as an answer to President Clinton's inaugural call to "take off the gold earrings, bracelets and amulets worn by your wives and daughters, and bring them unto me."

Clinton and his special Golden Calf Task Force then threw the ornaments into a great fire, melted them and poured them into a giant mold. Out of the mold came the golden calf, one cubit wide by one cubit tall by two and a half cubits long.

"Behold, the golden calf!" President Clinton said, addressing the crowd. "I say unto you, for more than 200 years we have worshiped the false gods of democracy and freedom. Yet, have any among you ever seen democracy? Have any among you ever seen freedom? Such things cannot be seen. But behold that this idol is made of gold. This is a true god, made of gold!"

Clinton called for national unity under the golden calf, assuring believers that the calf would balance the federal budget, lay waste to poverty, and deliver them from the gridlock of Washington politics as usual.

"America is a nation in crisis. As a people, we are lost in the wilderness," Clinton said. "Our forefathers taught us to put our faith in participatory government of the people. Where has that false hope led us? The U.S. Constitution is an empty, invisible dream! Reject it and all false gods! Worship the calf of gold!"

Citizens from all over the nation, disillusioned with the government's longtime inability to address important issues such as health care and the environment, have embraced the calf. They have faith that it will deliver unto them national health care and bring an end to the CFC emissions that are destroying the earth's ozone layer.

Said one citizen in attendance: "The calf is Lord! Who can believe in invisible forces such as laws and budget deficits and regulatory policies? This calf can be seen and felt!"

Standing astride the golden idol, Clinton demanded that citizens "bring unto me an offering for the calf. Bring me some animals to burn as sacrifices and others to eat as a feast of fellowship."

The crowd of calf worshipers then applauded, quickly turning into an orgy of drinking, dancing, and the playing of flutes and harp.

Expected to be worshiped by over 90 percent of Americans, the calf represents a real idol that even top Levites can accept as God, according to high-level government officials who were part of the debauched horde at the festival honoring the new Lord.

Clinton Administration officials believe the golden calf will lead America into the 21st century.

"Because the golden calf is real, and we can see it with our own eyes, we have faith in its power to build President Clinton's 'Bridge To The 21st Century,'" Budget Director Leon Panetta said while eating figs. "For too long we have relied on invisible concepts like the checks-and-balances system and the will of the people. But who can have faith in such things that cannot be seen?"

But according to U.S. Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT), belief in the calf, which he calls a "false god," will anger Republican leaders in Congress, as well as Yahweh, the Hebrew God.

"America has sinned against the god of Moses and rejected him," Hatch said. "It has made a god out of gold and worshiped it. The people will be punished for their sin."

According to reports, Hatch was so upset upon learning of the people's decision to worship the calf that he threw down the two tablets upon which he had just inscribed the House Ways and Means Committee's Appropriations Bill 846-B(a), a measure intended to boost funding for public school breakfast programs in urban areas.

Hatch told citizens that the earth would open up and swallow all those who believe in the calf, and that the Republican leadership in Congress will rescue those Levites who reject this false idol made of gold.

Countered one painted harlot at the festival: "How can it be said that the calf is false? I can see it with mine own eyes!" She then laughed maniacally, craned her head backward, and twisted away into a lewd undulating dance, shaking to the wicked thumping of exotic drums, adding, "Where is your constitution now, people of America? Where is your democracy now?"

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