Golden Calf To Unite Nation

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Vol 31 Issue 03

Ugly Girl Killed

CASPER, WY—The murder of clumsy, unattractive, 6-year-old Edith Pelphrey has not sent shockwaves of grief through the nation.

Clinton Clinton

WASHINGTON, DC—It was confirmed Monday that President Bill Clinton, who was Bill Clinton throughout the entire four years of his first term, is still Bill Clinton. "We are pleased with the stability of the president's identity," White House spokesperson Kathleen Shepherd told reporters. "It indicates that President Clinton is unlikely to transform from Bill Clinton into a non-Clinton form." Washington officials hope Clinton can remain Clinton throughout his second term, preventing unfortunate events such as in November 1975, when President Gerald Ford was briefly What's Happenin's Rerun.

New Low Stooped To

SEATTLE—Standards were lowered even further Sunday when a new, previously unimagined low was stooped to. "I am shocked and outraged," area resident Gwen Withers told reporters. "I mean, I consider myself a pretty tolerant person, but this is just... eurgghh!" Experts predict the new low will remain steady for a period of weeks, after which it will lower yet again as mankind continues its centuries-long slide into total barbarism.

Christ To Wed Longtime Backup Singer

NASHVILLE—It was confirmed Tuesday that Jesus Christ, 1,996, is engaged to Felicia Tufton, 38, who has sung backup on all of Christ's albums since 1983's Ridin' The Beams. "We are very excited about this new chapter in Jesus' life," said Gerald Hart, Christ's manager. "The couple will take a two-week break for the wedding at the end of their current tour, and after the honeymoon, they'll be back in the studio finishing Jesus' forthcoming album, The Long Haul." In the wake of His decision to marry, Christ says His plans of redeeming humanity from sin will be put on hold "indefinitely" while He pursues family life.

Teen Makes Clever Remark During Science Class

COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA—A dry explanation of cellular reproduction was considerably lightened Monday when Arnold Hager, 15, made a witty and cutting remark to a classmate during science class. "I'd like to reproduce cellularly with Cindy Loomis," Hager told his lab partner, Dennis Wender, 15. "'Cause Cindy's got, like, huge amoebas." Reactions to the remark varied: The class' teacher, Mr. Scarpelli, 58, angrily assigned extra homework, while student Brett Bunn, 16, giggled uncontrollably.

Redford To Re-Digitize Ordinary People, Improve Space Battle

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Robert Redford took time off from his Sundance Film Festival duties this week to oversee the final Industrial Light and Magic re-digitization of his Academy Award-winning 1980 drama Ordinary People. "I've always been bothered by a couple of the scenes, and I've really wanted to redo them using some of the new technology," Redford said. "For instance, in the scene where the Timothy Hutton character first confronts his mother about the older son's death, you can see certain imperfections in the space battle going on in the background." ILM technicians are also adding a series of large, spectacular explosions to the second Judd Hirsch therapist scene, and the spaceship exhaust emanating from Donald Sutherland's car will take on a more realistic, fiery appearance with the help of new special-effects technology. Five minutes of new footage edited out of the original will also be added, including Mary Tyler Moore's secret meeting with an alien bounty hunter who for years has repressed his abusive childhood.

Charitable Donations

Americans have contributed a steadily increasing amount of money to charity over the past 10 years. Why?

Down With The Income Tax!

Reading from his enormous ledger book, my accountant informed me today that my decision to purchase the Almagamated Vulcanized Testicle Company had resulted in a considerable loss, and I had no choice but to sell. Drat the foul luck! Why isn't the fool public purchasing rubber testicles? They're easy to care for and jaunty-looking, and they emit a pleasant odor!
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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Golden Calf To Unite Nation

WASHINGTON, DC—A vast sea of U.S. citizens streamed through the streets of Washington Monday holding aloft a golden calf, one which government officials believe will bring an unprecedented sense of unity to the country.

Citizens hold aloft the Golden Calf, which is expected to lead America out of the wilderness, replacing the false gods of representative government and law.

The calf was created as an answer to President Clinton's inaugural call to "take off the gold earrings, bracelets and amulets worn by your wives and daughters, and bring them unto me."

Clinton and his special Golden Calf Task Force then threw the ornaments into a great fire, melted them and poured them into a giant mold. Out of the mold came the golden calf, one cubit wide by one cubit tall by two and a half cubits long.

"Behold, the golden calf!" President Clinton said, addressing the crowd. "I say unto you, for more than 200 years we have worshiped the false gods of democracy and freedom. Yet, have any among you ever seen democracy? Have any among you ever seen freedom? Such things cannot be seen. But behold that this idol is made of gold. This is a true god, made of gold!"

Clinton called for national unity under the golden calf, assuring believers that the calf would balance the federal budget, lay waste to poverty, and deliver them from the gridlock of Washington politics as usual.

"America is a nation in crisis. As a people, we are lost in the wilderness," Clinton said. "Our forefathers taught us to put our faith in participatory government of the people. Where has that false hope led us? The U.S. Constitution is an empty, invisible dream! Reject it and all false gods! Worship the calf of gold!"

Citizens from all over the nation, disillusioned with the government's longtime inability to address important issues such as health care and the environment, have embraced the calf. They have faith that it will deliver unto them national health care and bring an end to the CFC emissions that are destroying the earth's ozone layer.

Said one citizen in attendance: "The calf is Lord! Who can believe in invisible forces such as laws and budget deficits and regulatory policies? This calf can be seen and felt!"

Standing astride the golden idol, Clinton demanded that citizens "bring unto me an offering for the calf. Bring me some animals to burn as sacrifices and others to eat as a feast of fellowship."

The crowd of calf worshipers then applauded, quickly turning into an orgy of drinking, dancing, and the playing of flutes and harp.

Expected to be worshiped by over 90 percent of Americans, the calf represents a real idol that even top Levites can accept as God, according to high-level government officials who were part of the debauched horde at the festival honoring the new Lord.

Clinton Administration officials believe the golden calf will lead America into the 21st century.

"Because the golden calf is real, and we can see it with our own eyes, we have faith in its power to build President Clinton's 'Bridge To The 21st Century,'" Budget Director Leon Panetta said while eating figs. "For too long we have relied on invisible concepts like the checks-and-balances system and the will of the people. But who can have faith in such things that cannot be seen?"

But according to U.S. Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT), belief in the calf, which he calls a "false god," will anger Republican leaders in Congress, as well as Yahweh, the Hebrew God.

"America has sinned against the god of Moses and rejected him," Hatch said. "It has made a god out of gold and worshiped it. The people will be punished for their sin."

According to reports, Hatch was so upset upon learning of the people's decision to worship the calf that he threw down the two tablets upon which he had just inscribed the House Ways and Means Committee's Appropriations Bill 846-B(a), a measure intended to boost funding for public school breakfast programs in urban areas.

Hatch told citizens that the earth would open up and swallow all those who believe in the calf, and that the Republican leadership in Congress will rescue those Levites who reject this false idol made of gold.

Countered one painted harlot at the festival: "How can it be said that the calf is false? I can see it with mine own eyes!" She then laughed maniacally, craned her head backward, and twisted away into a lewd undulating dance, shaking to the wicked thumping of exotic drums, adding, "Where is your constitution now, people of America? Where is your democracy now?"

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