Golden State Warriors Tore Up NBA Summer League, Reports Man Who Has Never Been So Alone

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Vol 49 Issue 30

Tall Women At Higher Risk For Cancer

According to a new study, tall postmenopausal women are more likely to develop cancer than shorter women, with researchers finding that every 4-inch increase in height correlated to a 13 percent higher risk of a variety of cancers.

Lincoln Memorial Vandalized With Green Paint

Police closed the Lincoln Memorial early today after discovering that vandals had splattered green paint along the base of the iconic statue of 16th president Abraham Lincoln, as well as on the monument’s marble floor.
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

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Golden State Warriors Tore Up NBA Summer League, Reports Man Who Has Never Been So Alone

LINTON, IN—While sitting at the Sportsman Pub’s bar Thursday, local man Gregory Quinn, who has never felt so lonely and isolated in his entire life, reportedly announced that the Golden State Warriors had really torn up the NBA Summer League. “After going undefeated, they totally deserved the Summer League title,” said the sad-looking Go-Rent-A Car employee who desperately wants to have some kind of human contact. “Ian Clark may have won the MVP, but that kid [Kent] Bazemore stuck out as a player with real potential.” At press time, Quinn declared “Andre Iguodala was a solid pick up” while silently wondering if anybody would miss him if he died.

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