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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Golden Tate Claims He Caught Final Hail Mary In Falcons Game

ATLANTA—Following the Seahawks' playoff loss to the Falcons, Seattle wide receiver Golden Tate reportedly insisted Sunday that he caught Russell Wilson’s 48-yard desperation pass as time expired, claiming that the play should have been ruled a touchdown. “I had possession at the end. I absolutely did. I got in there under Julio Jones, I fought for the ball the whole way, and I came down with it,” said Tate, adding that after briefly conferring at the back of the end zone, the referees “made the wrong call.” “It’s hard to tell because there’s no perfect camera angle on the replay, but if you were there and you saw it up close, I clearly caught that ball. It was a legal catch.” Pressed for further explanation, Tate claimed that while the pass was in the air, he slid inside Julio Jones’s jersey, controlled the ball with two feet down, and then slid back out.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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