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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Golden Tate Claims He Caught Final Hail Mary In Falcons Game

ATLANTA—Following the Seahawks' playoff loss to the Falcons, Seattle wide receiver Golden Tate reportedly insisted Sunday that he caught Russell Wilson’s 48-yard desperation pass as time expired, claiming that the play should have been ruled a touchdown. “I had possession at the end. I absolutely did. I got in there under Julio Jones, I fought for the ball the whole way, and I came down with it,” said Tate, adding that after briefly conferring at the back of the end zone, the referees “made the wrong call.” “It’s hard to tell because there’s no perfect camera angle on the replay, but if you were there and you saw it up close, I clearly caught that ball. It was a legal catch.” Pressed for further explanation, Tate claimed that while the pass was in the air, he slid inside Julio Jones’s jersey, controlled the ball with two feet down, and then slid back out.

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