Goldfish Can't Stand Bowlmate

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Vol 41 Issue 49

Patriot Act Renewed

The House and Senate have reached a deal to re-authorize the Patriot Act. What do you think?

9/11 Commission Let Down

In their final report, the 9/11 Commission said they were disappointed by the government response to their recommendations. What do you think?
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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Goldfish Can't Stand Bowlmate

INNISKILL, RI—Sonny Jim, a 9-month-old goldfish, can no longer tolerate his bowlmate, 9-month-old goldfish Sally. "Always hanging out at the top of the bowl, looking for food, just waiting, blocking the light," Sonny Jim said Monday. "Never moves. Just eats and craps and does that annoying thing with his mouth. Unless I want to go in the castle. Then, bam! Sally's right there hogging the whole thing. Also, 'Sally?' A guy. What's with that?" The beleaguered miniature carp said he would prefer rooming with a "psychotic betta fish" and wouldn't care if Sally jumped out of the bowl.
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