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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Goldman Sachs Announces They’re Blowing Up A Nursing Home And There’s Nothing Anyone Can Do About It

NEW YORK—Executive board members of Goldman Sachs called an afternoon press conference today to announce they will be exploding a local intermediate care facility, adding that “we’re doing it, and there’s basically nothing anyone can do about it.” “We decided today we really want to blow up a nursing home, so we’re going to do that and, honestly, I can’t think of a single thing that any one of you could possibly do to stop us—in fact, I’d like to see you try,” said company chairman and CEO Lloyd Blankfein, who later added that residents of the Ocean Trail Care Center in Jamaica, Queens “can leave the facility if they want, or stay right there for all we care, but either way that whole damn nursing home is going up in smoke at 6 p.m.” “So, anyway, that’s what’s going on. We’re placing the explosive charges now and, again, you are all completely powerless to stop us. Have a good day and fuck all of you.” At press time, well, they did it.

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