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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Goldman Sachs Announces They’re Blowing Up A Nursing Home And There’s Nothing Anyone Can Do About It

NEW YORK—Executive board members of Goldman Sachs called an afternoon press conference today to announce they will be exploding a local intermediate care facility, adding that “we’re doing it, and there’s basically nothing anyone can do about it.” “We decided today we really want to blow up a nursing home, so we’re going to do that and, honestly, I can’t think of a single thing that any one of you could possibly do to stop us—in fact, I’d like to see you try,” said company chairman and CEO Lloyd Blankfein, who later added that residents of the Ocean Trail Care Center in Jamaica, Queens “can leave the facility if they want, or stay right there for all we care, but either way that whole damn nursing home is going up in smoke at 6 p.m.” “So, anyway, that’s what’s going on. We’re placing the explosive charges now and, again, you are all completely powerless to stop us. Have a good day and fuck all of you.” At press time, well, they did it.

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