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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Golf Tips

Warm weather is here, and it's time to hit the links. Here are some tips to help you improve your game:

Man playing golf


  • When teeing off, don't forget to shout "Fore!" for some reason.
  • To get the most out of a Sunday afternoon on the golf course, be trapped in a loveless marriage to a shrill, clothes-obsessed witch you can't stand to be around.
  • If you encounter a dark-skinned person while golfing, do not panic. Maintain an air of respect, hand over all your valuables, and walk quickly to the clubhouse.
  • When beating other golfers to death, try a three-iron instead of a wood. You'd be amazed by the difference.
  • Before golfing, emboss your company's logo onto the ball, the tee, and your watch. Then embroider the logo onto the breast pocket of your shirt. There's nothing quite like an embossed or embroidered corporate logo.
  • If you are a cartoonist, make sure to remember any riotous comments or actions that occur while golfing.
  • Golfing with clubs is for pussies. A truly skilled golfer requires only the power of his mind to manipulate the ball into the hole.
  • Note to non-golfers: Those "World's Greatest Golfer" trophies featuring a plastic image of Snoopy teeing off are not as prestigious as they appear.
  • When golfing with a female half your age, offer to "help her with her swing," standing behind her and steadying her hips while grinding your crotch into her ass.
  • The new Titleist Titanium 975D features a 260cc deep face head, patented Thru-Bore construction, and a strengthened crown for greater energy transfer and maximum playability. No wonder it's the hottest titanium club on the market.
  • For maximum golfing fun, get yourself a high-tech golf bag that shoots your clubs out automatically and plays Journey's "Any Way You Want It" at the touch of a button.
  • Determine the angle at which you should putt by crouching low to the ground and pointing your club in the direction of the hole. This is one of the many shrewd techniques that makes golf such a thrilling game to watch.
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Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

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