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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Golfer Brad Faxon Cracks On Budweiser Hot Seat

BRISTOL, CT—PGA Tour veteran Brad Faxon suffered a near-total loss of composure Tuesday during the filming of SportsCenter's Budweiser Hot Seat segment when anchor Scott Van Pelt fired a flurry of questions at Faxon, the last of which dealt with whether Faxon believes his putting stroke will hold up during the 2006 U.S. Open. "Why? Do you think something is wrong with my putting? Why shouldn't my stroke hold up? Have you been watching me? Why is it so dark in here?" Faxon said while biting his fingernails, sweating profusely, and looking around in an agitated fashion. "I have rights, you know! I'm going to call my fucking attorney, and your ass is going to be fired! All of your asses!" When Van Pelt informed Faxon that he was "now off the Budweiser Hot Seat," a relieved Faxon thanked God and broke down in tears.

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