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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Good Charlotte Recording 10 New Songs To Be Played At Low Volume In P.F. Chang’s

LOS ANGELES—Saying they were excited to take their pop-punk sound in new and barely audible directions, Maryland-based rock band Good Charlotte revealed Wednesday that the group is hard at work on an album that will be played at low volume in P.F. Chang’s restaurants nationwide. “After taking some time off from recording, we’re psyched to be back in the studio laying down 10 new tracks to serve as background noise while customers scan their menus and make light conversation over lettuce wraps with coworkers or visiting parents,” said frontman Joel Madden, noting that the band was aiming for a solid 40-minute album that P. F. Chang’s managers could play on repeat without anyone noticing. “When it’s finished, it’ll be the perfect soundtrack to blend in to the overall drone of clanging forks and chopsticks and the din of other tables’ conversations. We’ve already recorded a couple great songs that we’re excited for diners to not even consciously hear except for the roughly 50 seconds while they’re in the bathroom, where the sound system is a little more clear and audible.” Madden added that if the album is received well, he could definitely see the band softly playing in some larger eating venues in the future.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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