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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Good Charlotte Recording 10 New Songs To Be Played At Low Volume In P.F. Chang’s

LOS ANGELES—Saying they were excited to take their pop-punk sound in new and barely audible directions, Maryland-based rock band Good Charlotte revealed Wednesday that the group is hard at work on an album that will be played at low volume in P.F. Chang’s restaurants nationwide. “After taking some time off from recording, we’re psyched to be back in the studio laying down 10 new tracks to serve as background noise while customers scan their menus and make light conversation over lettuce wraps with coworkers or visiting parents,” said frontman Joel Madden, noting that the band was aiming for a solid 40-minute album that P. F. Chang’s managers could play on repeat without anyone noticing. “When it’s finished, it’ll be the perfect soundtrack to blend in to the overall drone of clanging forks and chopsticks and the din of other tables’ conversations. We’ve already recorded a couple great songs that we’re excited for diners to not even consciously hear except for the roughly 50 seconds while they’re in the bathroom, where the sound system is a little more clear and audible.” Madden added that if the album is received well, he could definitely see the band softly playing in some larger eating venues in the future.

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