Good-Citizenship Tips

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good-Citizenship Tips

Though some take it for granted, U.S. citizenship comes with certain responsibilities.
Here are some tips for being an active, involved citizen:

A good citizen waves a hand-size flag.


  • Pay close attention to politicians' speeches so you can stay abreast of where their speechwriters stand on key issues.
  • Young people should heed their civic duty and rock the vote. Older Americans are advised to smooth-jazz the vote.
  • Engage others in tense, unproductive political arguments that break down into embarrassing exchanges of personal attacks.
  • Make an effort to pay at least 50 percent of any taxes you owe.
  • It is considered customary to bribe town/county officials with $500, state officials with $1,000 to $10,000, and federal officials with $50,000 or more.
  • Visiting your state capitol is a fun and exciting way to get out of school for the day.
  • Canvassing door-to-door is an incredibly effective, not-at-all-tedious means of effecting change that will not make you want to chew your leg off.
  • Start up a "Put The Dump Where The Poor People Are" movement in your community.
  • Waste enormous amounts of your and others' time by speaking out at city-council meetings that drag on for hours.
  • Though you may not agree with a particular candidate's views, you can express your opposition by setting his or her house on fire.
  • If you live in Vermont, stop writing in Ben & Jerry on election ballots. It's been done a million times and is not funny.
  • Whatever your petition is for, just say it's for retarded kids. Everybody loves retarded kids.
  • Learn about your community's zoning laws by opening a sex shop on your front lawn.
  • Make an effort to "follow" politics, much the way you would follow, say, sports or the career of Cher.
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