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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Good-Citizenship Tips

Though some take it for granted, U.S. citizenship comes with certain responsibilities.
Here are some tips for being an active, involved citizen:

A good citizen waves a hand-size flag.


  • Pay close attention to politicians' speeches so you can stay abreast of where their speechwriters stand on key issues.
  • Young people should heed their civic duty and rock the vote. Older Americans are advised to smooth-jazz the vote.
  • Engage others in tense, unproductive political arguments that break down into embarrassing exchanges of personal attacks.
  • Make an effort to pay at least 50 percent of any taxes you owe.
  • It is considered customary to bribe town/county officials with $500, state officials with $1,000 to $10,000, and federal officials with $50,000 or more.
  • Visiting your state capitol is a fun and exciting way to get out of school for the day.
  • Canvassing door-to-door is an incredibly effective, not-at-all-tedious means of effecting change that will not make you want to chew your leg off.
  • Start up a "Put The Dump Where The Poor People Are" movement in your community.
  • Waste enormous amounts of your and others' time by speaking out at city-council meetings that drag on for hours.
  • Though you may not agree with a particular candidate's views, you can express your opposition by setting his or her house on fire.
  • If you live in Vermont, stop writing in Ben & Jerry on election ballots. It's been done a million times and is not funny.
  • Whatever your petition is for, just say it's for retarded kids. Everybody loves retarded kids.
  • Learn about your community's zoning laws by opening a sex shop on your front lawn.
  • Make an effort to "follow" politics, much the way you would follow, say, sports or the career of Cher.
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