adBlockCheck

Good-Citizenship Tips

Top Headlines

Recent News

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Good-Citizenship Tips

Though some take it for granted, U.S. citizenship comes with certain responsibilities.
Here are some tips for being an active, involved citizen:

A good citizen waves a hand-size flag.


  • Pay close attention to politicians' speeches so you can stay abreast of where their speechwriters stand on key issues.
  • Young people should heed their civic duty and rock the vote. Older Americans are advised to smooth-jazz the vote.
  • Engage others in tense, unproductive political arguments that break down into embarrassing exchanges of personal attacks.
  • Make an effort to pay at least 50 percent of any taxes you owe.
  • It is considered customary to bribe town/county officials with $500, state officials with $1,000 to $10,000, and federal officials with $50,000 or more.
  • Visiting your state capitol is a fun and exciting way to get out of school for the day.
  • Canvassing door-to-door is an incredibly effective, not-at-all-tedious means of effecting change that will not make you want to chew your leg off.
  • Start up a "Put The Dump Where The Poor People Are" movement in your community.
  • Waste enormous amounts of your and others' time by speaking out at city-council meetings that drag on for hours.
  • Though you may not agree with a particular candidate's views, you can express your opposition by setting his or her house on fire.
  • If you live in Vermont, stop writing in Ben & Jerry on election ballots. It's been done a million times and is not funny.
  • Whatever your petition is for, just say it's for retarded kids. Everybody loves retarded kids.
  • Learn about your community's zoning laws by opening a sex shop on your front lawn.
  • Make an effort to "follow" politics, much the way you would follow, say, sports or the career of Cher.
  • Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

    Give your spam filter something to do.

    X Close