Good Cop, Bad Cop Both Racist

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Media Stumped On How To Handle Missing Mixed-Race Woman

WASHINGTON—Struggling to find an appropriate response to a delicate situation, members of the American news media admitted Tuesday that they remained stumped on how exactly to handle the case of missing mixed-race woman Alison Johnston.

White Male Privilege Squandered On Job At Best Buy

HAMILTON, OH—Despite being the beneficiary of numerous societal advantages and having faced little to no major adversity throughout his life, local man Travis Benton has spent the last four years squandering his white male privilege on a sales floor...

Alarming Study Finds More Than 12 Instances Of Racism Occurred Last Year

Number Astronomically High For Harmonious,  Postracial 21st-Century America, Researchers Say

NEW YORK—A shocking study released Thursday by sociologists at Columbia University found that more than 12 instances of racism occurred in 2011, suggesting not only that prejudice based on the color of one's skin still exists, but that it remains di...

Black Guy Photoshopped In

AMES, IA–In the spirit of celebrating diversity at Iowa State University, a black guy was digitally added to the cover of the school's 2001 spring-semester course catalog, school officials announced Monday.

Black Executive Prominently Displayed

COLUMBUS, OH—Dennis Swann, 41, the sole black executive at Brooks Capital Management, was once again prominently displayed Monday by the Columbus-based investment firm.

White Family Moves To Town

GLENCOE, IL—Shock, outrage and fear were just some of the emotions that failed to sweep through this affluent Chicago suburb Monday, when word got out among residents that a white family had moved to town over the weekend.

Senior-Center Residents Debate New Anchorwoman's Ethnicity For Fifth Straight Evening

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Ferndale Senior Center residents debated new Channel 27 Action News anchorwoman Sonya Luntz's ethnicity for a fifth straight day Friday, with Edward Bloch, 81, steadfastly holding to his "Mexican" theory and Muriel Simmons, 83, leaning toward Hawaiian or Indian. "If you ask me, she looks Oriental," said Jack McCallum, 79, watching Luntz on the 6 p.m. newscast. "Orientals have that shape to their face—I saw it in the war." Luntz's ethnicity will be put to an official senior-center vote this Thursday.

Colorful Multicultural Mural Celebrates Diverse Lack Of Talent

COLUMBUS, OH—A brightly colored multicultural mural on the side of the Walker Street Community Center has brought together Columbus' many diverse ethnic communities in a celebration of talentless painting. "The young people of this city have given us something we truly can kind of be proud of," City Councilman Terrence Fordham said Monday at the bad mural's dedication ceremony. "These ham-fisted dollops of garish paint and barely recognizable human figures are a joyous tribute to the gorgeous mosaic that is Columbus."

Reformist Ku Klux Klan Splinter Group Claims Blacks, Jews May Be Partially Human

BIRMINGHAM, AL—For nearly 150 years, the Ku Klux Klan has been steadfast in its commitment to the ideals of its founders. These traditional values—preservation of White cultural heritage, strict adherence to Christian principles, and broad-based coalition-building against the inferior dog-races of Asia and Africa—have served to strengthen the Klan throughout its long and proud history.

Nazi SS Cemetery Desecrated By Pro-Semitic Graffiti

DARMSTADT, GERMANY–Residents of this quiet Rhineland city awoke Monday to discover that Heinrich Himmler Memorial Cemetery, the final resting place of over 200 Nazi SS Officers who gave their lives for Germany in World War II, had been desecrated during the night with pro-Semitic graffiti.
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Good Cop, Bad Cop Both Racist

LOS ANGELES—Despite occupying opposing roles in a good-cop/bad-cop dyad, LAPD officers Frank K. McGrew, 51, and Bob West, 36, have one thing in common: They're both extremely racist, 77th precinct sources reported Monday.

McGrew and West.

"Officer McGrew is the tough, no-nonsense veteran of the force who pushes you around, threatens you with 15 years behind bars, and calls you a nigger," said LeShawn Gordon, a 19-year-old recently charged with grand theft auto. "Officer Bob is the one who picks you up, gives you a cigarette, and tells you he's there to help you before calling you a nigger."

West and McGrew have been partners on the station's investigative unit since August 2001, but both have been racists for much longer. The team, assigned to a particularly crime-ridden two-mile section of South Central, uses a law-enforcement technique common among police partners. "Bad cop" McGrew attempts to draw information or a confession out of perpetrators by frightening them, while "good cop" West does so by gaining their trust. But detainees who've been interrogated by the pair say the two share a hatred for non-whites that transcends their contrasting styles.

Jaime Hernandez, 24, was interrogated by McGrew and West after he was arrested on Feb. 18 for trafficking in narcotics.

"McGrew cuffed me to a desk, clubbed me in the face with a broom handle, and screamed that my 'spic' buddies on the street couldn't help me now," Hernandez said. "He let me sit there for an hour. Then West came in and removed the handcuffs. He got me a Pepsi and some Twinkies, and while I ate them, he explained, in a caring and sensitive way, why I really ought to cooperate. He said he'd do everything he could do to help me, but that I had to face the fact that I was a no-good taco bender from the barrio with five chicken-babies, two priors, and only one real option: to talk."

Their mutual disdain for minorities aside, the two racist partners couldn't be more different, fellow officers report.

"McGrew is a barrel-chested bruiser with the same close-cropped crewcut he's had since his cadet days. He's twice-divorced, spends his nights at a local tavern, and is rumored to have an unending series of problematic short-term relationships with white women half his age," LAPD officer Terry Steig said. "West, however, is a smiling, kind-eyed listener who enjoys spending weekends in the park and is fiercely devoted to his white wife and their white infant child."

Many officers say bigotry and hatred are the ties that bind the two.

"When the chief first put those two together, the sparks really flew," fellow LAPD officer Duane Garner said. "It was your classic mismatched-partners situation. McGrew was a grizzled veteran who'd developed a cynical attitude toward minorities after years of witnessing ugly street crime firsthand. West, on the other hand, was an idealistic young golden boy from the academy who took the horror stories his teachers told about the scum of the earth to heart. They were like oil and water, but they learned to respect each other's approaches to shaking confessions out of slants, cholos, and homeboys."

Leaning against the sink in the station's cramped and dirty kitchenette, the two men expressed admiration for each other.

"Sometimes Frank goes too far, but I know his heart is in the right place," West said. "He just wants to make a difference by protecting and serving good, hard-working white people."

"Sometimes West can be a mollycoddling nanny, but he's still a good cop," McGrew said in response. "In his own way, he's doing what he thinks he has to do to control these stinking, subhuman mud-people."

Added McGrew: "Sure, sometimes he drives me crazy. I can be one good crack away from getting some beaner to confess, and he'll break in with his namby-pamby wah-wah, saying he can promise a better life for the 10 dirty little kids the guy must have running around at home. But in the end, we always get the job done. It just goes to show that no matter how different we are, we're both doing what we need to do to get these animals behind bars, where they belong."

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