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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Good-Looking One Not Working Today

Not-as-good-looking sources, including the One Who's Always Wearing The Beret, were silent as to why the Good-Looking One (inset) was mysteriously absent.
Not-as-good-looking sources, including the One Who's Always Wearing The Beret, were silent as to why the Good-Looking One (inset) was mysteriously absent.

BROOKLYN, NY—To the great chagrin of sources at local coffee shop From the Ground Up, the Good-Looking One is not working today, and there is no evidence to suggest she will show up before the morning is over.

"Oh man, where is she?" coffee shop regular Glen Partridge said to himself, scanning the room for the Good-Looking One but finding only the Bad-Mood One, the Gay One, the Fat One With Red Hair Who Always Wears It In Braids, and others. "I deliberately sat in her section and even wore that brown sweater that makes me look thinner."

"Now I'm stuck with what's-her-face," added Partridge, referring to the Really Annoying One Who Blinks A Lot When She Talks.

The Good-Looking One, whom sources describe as really good-looking, with a pleasant complexion, a great body, and long brunette hair, usually works the morning shift, but was nowhere to be found at 10 a.m today, causing speculation as to her whereabouts.

"I don't get it, she's always here on Mondays," customer Eric Son said. "I wonder if she had to take time off for some reason, or if she got sick or something, or what."

"I hope she's okay," Son added.

Fellow coffee shop patron Justin Burke was also disappointed by the Good-Looking One's absence, and admitted that he initially mistook the One With The Slightly Off Face for the Good-Looking One, but quickly realized his error once she turned around.

"I'd like to ask one of the other employees why she's not here, but I don't want to come off as weird or anything," Burke said. "Maybe I'll just stick around a little bit longer. She could just be running late, I guess."

Other patrons explained that any inquiries into her whereabouts have so far been stalled by the fact that nobody knows her name, and no one wants to admit concern over her absence by describing her too accurately.

"I'm not sure what I'd even say," said one man, who wished to remain anonymous for fear his comments might get back to the Good-Looking One. "I can't just walk up to the counter and go, 'Hey, where's that really cute waitress with the tank top that always shows off her chest?' I'd look like a total sleazeball."

As if to echo these remarks, Creepy Older Dude Who Always Tries To Talk To The Good-Looking One came in, stood in the corner looking around for several moments, and then exited the establishment.

Management, so far, has remained tight-lipped about the current location of the Good-Looking One.

"Today's specials are mocha latte, hot chocolate with whipped cream, and Brazilian roast," said From the Ground Up owner Brenda Lake.

At press time, sources said that, to make matters worse, the Slightly Less Good-Looking One, who used to be the Good-Looking One until the current Good-Looking One was hired last May, was not working today either.

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