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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Good-Looking One Not Working Today

Not-as-good-looking sources, including the One Who's Always Wearing The Beret, were silent as to why the Good-Looking One (inset) was mysteriously absent.
Not-as-good-looking sources, including the One Who's Always Wearing The Beret, were silent as to why the Good-Looking One (inset) was mysteriously absent.

BROOKLYN, NY—To the great chagrin of sources at local coffee shop From the Ground Up, the Good-Looking One is not working today, and there is no evidence to suggest she will show up before the morning is over.

"Oh man, where is she?" coffee shop regular Glen Partridge said to himself, scanning the room for the Good-Looking One but finding only the Bad-Mood One, the Gay One, the Fat One With Red Hair Who Always Wears It In Braids, and others. "I deliberately sat in her section and even wore that brown sweater that makes me look thinner."

"Now I'm stuck with what's-her-face," added Partridge, referring to the Really Annoying One Who Blinks A Lot When She Talks.

The Good-Looking One, whom sources describe as really good-looking, with a pleasant complexion, a great body, and long brunette hair, usually works the morning shift, but was nowhere to be found at 10 a.m today, causing speculation as to her whereabouts.

"I don't get it, she's always here on Mondays," customer Eric Son said. "I wonder if she had to take time off for some reason, or if she got sick or something, or what."

"I hope she's okay," Son added.

Fellow coffee shop patron Justin Burke was also disappointed by the Good-Looking One's absence, and admitted that he initially mistook the One With The Slightly Off Face for the Good-Looking One, but quickly realized his error once she turned around.

"I'd like to ask one of the other employees why she's not here, but I don't want to come off as weird or anything," Burke said. "Maybe I'll just stick around a little bit longer. She could just be running late, I guess."

Other patrons explained that any inquiries into her whereabouts have so far been stalled by the fact that nobody knows her name, and no one wants to admit concern over her absence by describing her too accurately.

"I'm not sure what I'd even say," said one man, who wished to remain anonymous for fear his comments might get back to the Good-Looking One. "I can't just walk up to the counter and go, 'Hey, where's that really cute waitress with the tank top that always shows off her chest?' I'd look like a total sleazeball."

As if to echo these remarks, Creepy Older Dude Who Always Tries To Talk To The Good-Looking One came in, stood in the corner looking around for several moments, and then exited the establishment.

Management, so far, has remained tight-lipped about the current location of the Good-Looking One.

"Today's specials are mocha latte, hot chocolate with whipped cream, and Brazilian roast," said From the Ground Up owner Brenda Lake.

At press time, sources said that, to make matters worse, the Slightly Less Good-Looking One, who used to be the Good-Looking One until the current Good-Looking One was hired last May, was not working today either.

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