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Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Good Night's Sleep Changes Nothing

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Despite receiving a much-anticipated good night's rest, local man Arthur Baldwin awoke from eight uninterrupted hours of sleep Monday to the realization that he was still out of shape, lonely, and generally dissatisfied with his life. "Huh," said Baldwin, who at 7 a.m. found himself slightly more alert than usual but remained $55,000 in debt and trapped in a toxic, dead-end relationship. "I still hate my job and I still feel like shit. What time is it? Fuck." At press time, Baldwin had decided to return to the only thing that ever did bring him pleasure in life, Afghani brown tar heroin.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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