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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Good Night's Sleep Changes Nothing

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Despite receiving a much-anticipated good night's rest, local man Arthur Baldwin awoke from eight uninterrupted hours of sleep Monday to the realization that he was still out of shape, lonely, and generally dissatisfied with his life. "Huh," said Baldwin, who at 7 a.m. found himself slightly more alert than usual but remained $55,000 in debt and trapped in a toxic, dead-end relationship. "I still hate my job and I still feel like shit. What time is it? Fuck." At press time, Baldwin had decided to return to the only thing that ever did bring him pleasure in life, Afghani brown tar heroin.

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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

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