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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Good Night's Sleep Changes Nothing

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Despite receiving a much-anticipated good night's rest, local man Arthur Baldwin awoke from eight uninterrupted hours of sleep Monday to the realization that he was still out of shape, lonely, and generally dissatisfied with his life. "Huh," said Baldwin, who at 7 a.m. found himself slightly more alert than usual but remained $55,000 in debt and trapped in a toxic, dead-end relationship. "I still hate my job and I still feel like shit. What time is it? Fuck." At press time, Baldwin had decided to return to the only thing that ever did bring him pleasure in life, Afghani brown tar heroin.

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