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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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'Good Old Days' Traced Back To Single Weekend In 1948

BOSTON—A study published Monday by a group of linguists, historians, and semioticians has proved the concept of "the good old days" can be traced back to the weekend of June 19, 1948. "After extensive interviews, analysis of personal correspondence, and repeated viewings of that week's Ed Sullivan Show, we have pinpointed the precise time period this phrase signifies," said researcher Patrick Washington, explaining that during the 48-hour period, no hard work went unrewarded and normal folks could count on hope for the future. "During this brief window, a man was a man, a woman was a woman, and people had the decency to stop you on the street and say hello. At least until Sunday at 11:53 p.m." The study also confirmed that throughout these two "good old days" singer Peggy Lee was on the radio and the weather was just perfect.

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