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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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'Good Old Days' Traced Back To Single Weekend In 1948

BOSTON—A study published Monday by a group of linguists, historians, and semioticians has proved the concept of "the good old days" can be traced back to the weekend of June 19, 1948. "After extensive interviews, analysis of personal correspondence, and repeated viewings of that week's Ed Sullivan Show, we have pinpointed the precise time period this phrase signifies," said researcher Patrick Washington, explaining that during the 48-hour period, no hard work went unrewarded and normal folks could count on hope for the future. "During this brief window, a man was a man, a woman was a woman, and people had the decency to stop you on the street and say hello. At least until Sunday at 11:53 p.m." The study also confirmed that throughout these two "good old days" singer Peggy Lee was on the radio and the weather was just perfect.

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