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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Goodell: 'I'd Definitely Let My Son Ruin Football'

NEW YORK—In response to accusations that his policies are hurting the game of football, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told CBS’s Face the Nation Sunday that he would have no problem letting his own son ruin the sport. “If my son wanted to make a series of catastrophic rule changes that destroy everything people enjoy about football, there’s no question: Yes, I would let him do that,” said Goodell, who argued that the value of defiling an American tradition far outweighs the risk of public backlash. “I myself have been ruining football for almost seven years, and nothing in my life has been more rewarding. I certainly would want my son to have the same opportunity to mangle and dilute the game that I did.” Goodell added that, unfortunately, his two children are both girls, which means neither can ever be NFL commissioner.

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