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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Goodell Tells Bills To Use Bye Week To See If Football Is Something They Really Want To Be Doing

BUFFALO, NY—Following another devastating loss to the Dallas Cowboys Monday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told the 1-4 Buffalo Bills to take time during their upcoming bye week to reflect on their season thus far and ask themselves if playing professional football is what they really want to be doing with their lives. "I'm not trying to push them in any particular direction," Goodell told reporters after the game, which the Bills lost despite forcing six turnovers, ultimately finding themselves unable to field a last-minute onside kick. "As commissioner, it's my job to put a quality product on the field each and every week and see that there is some kind of parity amongst the teams. I'll be curious to hear, especially if they decide to continue playing, where the Bills think they fit into an NFL that is continuously getting more and more competitive." Though most Bills fans were still too demoralized by Monday night's loss to comment on Goodell's request, those who talked to the media after the announcement said they "wouldn't give a flying fuck if those losers played another fucking football game ever."

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