adBlockCheck

Sports

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Goodell Tells Bills To Use Bye Week To See If Football Is Something They Really Want To Be Doing

BUFFALO, NY—Following another devastating loss to the Dallas Cowboys Monday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told the 1-4 Buffalo Bills to take time during their upcoming bye week to reflect on their season thus far and ask themselves if playing professional football is what they really want to be doing with their lives. "I'm not trying to push them in any particular direction," Goodell told reporters after the game, which the Bills lost despite forcing six turnovers, ultimately finding themselves unable to field a last-minute onside kick. "As commissioner, it's my job to put a quality product on the field each and every week and see that there is some kind of parity amongst the teams. I'll be curious to hear, especially if they decide to continue playing, where the Bills think they fit into an NFL that is continuously getting more and more competitive." Though most Bills fans were still too demoralized by Monday night's loss to comment on Goodell's request, those who talked to the media after the announcement said they "wouldn't give a flying fuck if those losers played another fucking football game ever."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close