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Goodell Too Busy To Enjoy NFL Season Opener

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How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Goodell Too Busy To Enjoy NFL Season Opener

NEW YORK—Claiming that he personally was required to get everything precisely right in order for the world to enjoy the opening football games of the season, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell found himself unable to enjoy the season opener Thursday, as he was too busy with exhausting, time-consuming preparations. "I have such a busy NFL schedule that I don't have time to watch football for even a minute," said Goodell, who stayed up late the night before laying out each team's uniforms, cooking 2.2 million hot dogs, and applying paint to the league's facilities and fans. "Wait, did I put clean towels in the visitors' locker rooms? I really must take care of that right after I mow the NFC North's fields one more time. They look a little shaggy." Goodell, who hasn't had a free moment in weeks, was also concerned that the RCA Dome wouldn't have enough seats for everyone and said he should probably bring some more up from the basement.

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