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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Goodell Too Busy To Enjoy NFL Season Opener

NEW YORK—Claiming that he personally was required to get everything precisely right in order for the world to enjoy the opening football games of the season, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell found himself unable to enjoy the season opener Thursday, as he was too busy with exhausting, time-consuming preparations. "I have such a busy NFL schedule that I don't have time to watch football for even a minute," said Goodell, who stayed up late the night before laying out each team's uniforms, cooking 2.2 million hot dogs, and applying paint to the league's facilities and fans. "Wait, did I put clean towels in the visitors' locker rooms? I really must take care of that right after I mow the NFC North's fields one more time. They look a little shaggy." Goodell, who hasn't had a free moment in weeks, was also concerned that the RCA Dome wouldn't have enough seats for everyone and said he should probably bring some more up from the basement.

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