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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Goose Does Pretty Decent Job Shitting All Over High School Track

ARDMORE, PA—Reflecting on the pride it takes in its craft, a local Canada goose confirmed Thursday that it had done a pretty decent job shitting all over the outdoor track at nearby Lower Merion High School. “I got up around 6 a.m. this morning and after an hour had managed to scatter my feces pretty evenly over the entire oval,” said the waterfowl, who after reportedly squeezing out dozens of tube-like turds over the 400-meter track then made quick work of the adjacent soccer field. “I was nervous because by the end I was starting to run low, but then some of my buddies came by and we completely blanketed the long-jump area in our excrement. I’ll tell you, it was a solid day’s work.” The goose added that after shitting its brains out for an entire morning, it barely had enough energy to aggressively honk at the track team throughout their two-hour practice.

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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

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