Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Goose Does Pretty Decent Job Shitting All Over High School Track

ARDMORE, PA—Reflecting on the pride it takes in its craft, a local Canada goose confirmed Thursday that it had done a pretty decent job shitting all over the outdoor track at nearby Lower Merion High School. “I got up around 6 a.m. this morning and after an hour had managed to scatter my feces pretty evenly over the entire oval,” said the waterfowl, who after reportedly squeezing out dozens of tube-like turds over the 400-meter track then made quick work of the adjacent soccer field. “I was nervous because by the end I was starting to run low, but then some of my buddies came by and we completely blanketed the long-jump area in our excrement. I’ll tell you, it was a solid day’s work.” The goose added that after shitting its brains out for an entire morning, it barely had enough energy to aggressively honk at the track team throughout their two-hour practice.

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