OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Goose Does Pretty Decent Job Shitting All Over High School Track

ARDMORE, PA—Reflecting on the pride it takes in its craft, a local Canada goose confirmed Thursday that it had done a pretty decent job shitting all over the outdoor track at nearby Lower Merion High School. “I got up around 6 a.m. this morning and after an hour had managed to scatter my feces pretty evenly over the entire oval,” said the waterfowl, who after reportedly squeezing out dozens of tube-like turds over the 400-meter track then made quick work of the adjacent soccer field. “I was nervous because by the end I was starting to run low, but then some of my buddies came by and we completely blanketed the long-jump area in our excrement. I’ll tell you, it was a solid day’s work.” The goose added that after shitting its brains out for an entire morning, it barely had enough energy to aggressively honk at the track team throughout their two-hour practice.

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