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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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GOP Asks "Does Obama Love Bo?"

The GOP is contending Obama doesn't actually love his Portuguese Water Dog, Bo. Their claims include:

  • Obama rarely calls Bo good boy or scratches his ears.
  • The president admitted he "doesn't know" which day Bo gets his monthly heartworm preventative.
  • Obama has not clipped Bo's nail's once. The duty falls to others in White House staff.
  • Bo is often left to sleep in hallway while president receives his Daily Briefing.
  • Last year, Obama failed to step up and defend Bo when an internet user called dog "stupid looking."
  • Obama has not once taken his dog to visit the troops.
  • The president has only been photographed with Bo once in the past week.
  • Obama has never proven he knows how to throw a frisbee.
  • White House sources contend Obama does not even own Snausages.

Full coverage, including record-pacing opinions from the First Responders, Friday at 10/9c, on IFC TV.

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