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GOP Candidates Fiercely Divided Over How Much Voltage Border Wall Should Be Electrified With

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Election 2016

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

Trump’s Potential VP Picks

Here is a guide to presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump’s potential running mates in the 2016 presidential election

Nation Clinging Desperately To Brief Inspirational Moment Before Being Thrust Back Into Raging Election Maelstrom

WASHINGTON—Following Hillary Clinton’s primary victories Tuesday that presumably secured her place as the first woman in U.S. history to receive a major party’s presidential nomination, citizens across the nation admitted to reporters they were desperately clinging to the brief moment of inspiration before they are inevitably thrust back into the raging black maelstrom of the 2016 election.

Campaign Announces Clinton Has Entered Incubation Period After Securing Nomination

Candidate Transitioning Into Mature Presidential Form Inside Cocoon, Aides Say

NEW YORK—Immediately after she clinched the 2,383 delegates needed to secure the Democratic presidential nomination Monday night, campaign aides announced that Hillary Clinton had retreated to a dark corner of her Brooklyn headquarters and entered the beginning of a 16-week incubation period.

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.
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GOP Candidates Fiercely Divided Over How Much Voltage Border Wall Should Be Electrified With

WASHINGTON—With various proposals emerging as key components of each of the 2016 presidential hopefuls’ immigration policies, sources confirmed Thursday that the Republican field remains sharply divided regarding how much voltage should be used to electrify a border wall with Mexico. “This continues to be one of the most contentious issues within the GOP ranks, with more moderate voices like Jeb Bush advocating for the fence to deliver a mild shock of 75 volts, while others, such as Ted Cruz and Donald Trump, contend that no less than 20,000 volts coursing through the entire length of the 1,900-mile fence is needed to protect American interests,” said political analyst Bryant Suthers, adding that even candidates who typically share common ground, such as Mike Huckabee and Bobby Jindal, differ dramatically on how far backward they believe the fence’s electrical charge should blow would-be illegal immigrants when the wires are contacted. “And this is to say nothing of Ben Carson’s flip-flopping on whether to use a standard alternating current or a potentially more dangerous direct current, or the constant squabbling over how loudly the electrified wall should crackle and buzz to serve as a deterrent to any potential migrants and their children. It will be interesting to see which candidate’s views emerge victorious, as this is an issue that the party’s base is eager to see come to fruition.” Suthers noted, however, that none of the candidates had yet put forward any details about how they would fund the construction of the electrified wall or the specially trained border patrol units needed to scrape the charred remains of Mexicans off its surface.


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