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GOP Leaders Assure Sobbing Rubio It Not His Fault Party Splitting Up

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Election 2016

Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
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GOP Leaders Assure Sobbing Rubio It Not His Fault Party Splitting Up

WASHINGTON—In an effort to comfort the distraught former presidential candidate, top GOP leaders reportedly sat down next to a sobbing Marco Rubio Thursday and assured him that it wasn’t his fault the Republican Party was splitting up. “Marco, trust me, this isn’t about you—we’ve been having problems for years,” said RNC chairman Reince Priebus, who consoled the weeping Florida senator by repeatedly telling him that the party’s breakup had nothing to do with anything he had said or done. “The fact is, we tried our best to work through our issues, but we just fought all the time. There’s nothing you or any of the other establishment candidates could have done about it. Okay, buddy?” At press time, Rubio had started blubbering even louder when Priebus admitted the party would probably never reconcile.

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