NEWS IN BRIEF Vol 53 Issue 37

GOP Leaders Confident They’ll Have Cruelty Necessary To Pass Healthcare Bill

WASHINGTON—Increasingly optimistic that the callousness they required would be locked down by the September 30 deadline, GOP leaders were confident Wednesday that they will have the cruelty necessary to pass their new healthcare bill. “While we were nearly there on our previous attempts, with this go-around we’re all but certain we have the savagery we need for this measure to move forward,” said bill coauthor Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), adding that the utter contempt for the lives of middle class and poor Americans appeared to be “falling into place nicely.” “I’m not saying that lining up the wanton disregard for human suffering will be easy, but I’m more and more persuaded that it will be there when this bill ultimately comes to the floor.” At press time, Graham was meeting with several key undecideds, confident they just needed a bit more coaxing before fully pledging their inhumanity.