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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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GOP Promises Americans Will Be Able To Keep Current Medical Conditions If Obamacare Repealed

WASHINGTON—In an effort to reassure citizens ahead of a planned effort to overhaul the U.S. healthcare system, Republican congressional leaders promised Monday that Americans would still be able to keep their current medical conditions if the Affordable Care Act is repealed. “Whatever health problem you have right now, you will absolutely still be allowed to continue having it once Obamacare has been dismantled,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan, adding that the repeal of the landmark healthcare legislation would in no way prevent patients from maintaining their existing medical issues or even adding to their afflictions. “Let’s say you have lymphoma. Under our plan, you can still have lymphoma. You could even expand on that into other forms of cancer. In fact, for the vast majority of Americans, repealing Obamacare will actually increase the number of significant medical conditions available to them.” Ryan added that under the new system, millions of Americans would also see a 100 percent reduction in their health insurance premiums, copays, and coverage.

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