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GOP Promotes Carly Fiorina To Male Candidate After Strong Debate Showing

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Election 2016

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

Trump’s Potential VP Picks

Here is a guide to presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump’s potential running mates in the 2016 presidential election

Nation Clinging Desperately To Brief Inspirational Moment Before Being Thrust Back Into Raging Election Maelstrom

WASHINGTON—Following Hillary Clinton’s primary victories Tuesday that presumably secured her place as the first woman in U.S. history to receive a major party’s presidential nomination, citizens across the nation admitted to reporters they were desperately clinging to the brief moment of inspiration before they are inevitably thrust back into the raging black maelstrom of the 2016 election.

Campaign Announces Clinton Has Entered Incubation Period After Securing Nomination

Candidate Transitioning Into Mature Presidential Form Inside Cocoon, Aides Say

NEW YORK—Immediately after she clinched the 2,383 delegates needed to secure the Democratic presidential nomination Monday night, campaign aides announced that Hillary Clinton had retreated to a dark corner of her Brooklyn headquarters and entered the beginning of a 16-week incubation period.

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.
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GOP Promotes Carly Fiorina To Male Candidate After Strong Debate Showing

WASHINGTON—Saying she had proven herself to be a formidable contender worthy of respect, GOP leaders announced Thursday that Carly Fiorina had been officially promoted to a male candidate after her strong showing in last night’s primary debate. “Given her steady rise in the polls and her consistent performance on the national stage, we have determined that Ms. Fiorina’s skills as a speaker and compelling ideas about foreign and domestic policy merit her recognition as male,” said Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus, adding that the former Hewlett-Packard CEO had impressed GOP officials with her breadth of knowledge, her confidence, and her ability to doggedly attack both Democrats and her primary opponents, and therefore deserved to have the label of “female” removed entirely. “We are pleased to be able to offer Ms. Fiorina the increased respect and media coverage that come with being a male candidate. Allow me to be the first to congratulate him and say that he has certainly earned it.” Priebus added that the committee was still reviewing Marco Rubio’s performance, but was strongly considering promoting him to white.


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