adBlockCheck

GOP Reports Record Second-Quarter Profits

Top Headlines

Business

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

GOP Reports Record Second-Quarter Profits

WASHINGTON, DC–At a stockholders meeting Monday, the Republican Party announced record profits for the second quarter of 2003, exceeding analysts' expectations by more than 20 cents per share.

Republican Party board members wave their quarterly dividend checks.

The gain marks the GOP's third consecutive profitable quarter, and puts the party on track for its best 12-month cycle since 1991, the year of the first Gulf War.

"Obviously, we're ecstatic," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (R-IL), who celebrated with other high-ranking GOP members at a champagne brunch in his chambers Tuesday. "This is heartening news for our party, especially coming as it does during such a sluggish overall period for the American economy."

The GOP posted a net profit of $3.48 per share, outperforming financial analysts' predictions in the $3.25 range. It ended the quarter with a market cap of $340 billion–a 17 percent gain attributed to a war-related rise in emotional investment in the party by the public and a rise in financial investment by such major corporations as Lockheed Martin and Halliburton.

"Quarters like this don't come along very often," Republican Party CFO Dick Cheney said. "In a three-month span, we inked deals with more than 1,300 corporations, signing contracts to build everything from oil pipelines to surveillance equipment to aircraft carriers. We've also aggressively expanded into some lucrative new overseas markets. I honestly haven't seen a boom like this since the go-go early '90s."

In spite of such successes, the GOP continues to look for new ways to improve its bottom line.

Cheney enjoys the spoils of a profitable year.

"We still have to streamline certain divisions of our company, there's no question about that," Cheney said. "We're still, for example, spending way too much in our Health and Human Services and our Education departments. Once we get those areas and a few others under control, our balance sheet will look like a million bucks."

Added Cheney: "Or, I should say, a trillion bucks."

The Republican Party's financial health stands in stark contrast to its biggest business rival. The Democratic Party, which suffered its 10th straight fiscal quarter in the red, is expected to miss its earnings mark for the third year in a row. The losses have prompted party leaders to consider the possibility of early retirement for some of its high-ranking legislative-branch officers.

"Right now, we've got some organizational problems that need to be worked out," Democratic Party CEO Dick Gephardt said. "To be successful in this game, you need an internal leadership structure that gives your company a top-to-bottom sales vision, and I'll be the first to admit we've got room for improvement in that area. It certainly doesn't help that the market for some of our core businesses, like public housing and health care, are in the toilet."

A majority of the GOP's 7,500 employees work on the support end of the organization. Approximately 1,200 of these workers handle "professional services," such as helping voters choose the right Republican products for their home or business.

The party is traded on the NYSE under the symbol USGOP.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close